The Vortex of Doom: My Life

It's behind me now, as we speak.
I can feel it's heavy stare. Like when you look across a room and accidentally link eyes with someone and it feels like they've stared into your soul. Except it won't look away, it's staring into my soul and saying "I accept you, I'll shield you, come here, to me." (NO. O_O leave me alone! O_o *runs away*)

I'm not going to lie, it's been my home for the past three weeks. I took shelter under it's promise of freedom, that I could forget everything and live a life apart. When I wake early for no reason at all, it's there to say "shhh...you'll be fine. Go back to sleep."

Only a few days ago did I begin to realize how dependent I'd become. Though I'm loathe to use it again, it's kind of necessary. I'm referring of course, to my bed.

For those who don't know, 2014 came in and ripped my life into confetti. I'm jobless, broke, vehicle-less, and single. (Well, that last one's been around for a while, so it's not really a complaint so much as an extra cup of YOU SUCK! in the boiling pot of it that I've recently acquired.) I was too careless with my attendance points at work, mostly because my vehicle frequently needed either gas or power steering fluid. So I'd be late to work at least twice a month. If that had been the direct cause of my dismissal, I wouldn't hate myself so much. No. Instead, it's a fluke. A sheer fluke. I signed up for OT early in the week, but it wasn't on my schedule the day prior to it, so I assumed I thought about signing up but didn't. (I have TERRIBLE memory.) So I decided to just keep the day off, didn't show up obviously, and BAAMMM!!! I lost my last attendance point. *FACEPALM* Kudos to my supervisor and managers that tried to argue my case and save me for a week and a half, but the point system reigns supreme.

Soooo....I'm not even kidding, I've buried myself in sleep and video games. Why? Because....I was accomplishing something, even though I wasn't accomplishing anything. I've applied to several places, but they either turned out to be work from home, shady outbound call centers selling weight loss products (I couldn't do it, the Irony would be too great), or they couldn't proceed with my application because of my having been dismissed from Macy's. Oh, and it appears my car decided to fall apart with me. As of yesterday, it's cleaner than it's ever been while under my use, and it'll be towed tomorrow to the scrap heap. (It was pretty bad in there, lol.) So I can't go anywhere - interview, hangout, general ESCAPE FROM HOME...all out the window. It's been hell.

On the upside, I've gotten to spend more time at church and with my family. I'm actually starting to get to know people's names at church, and knowing when events are. (I practically live for the events) I never noticed how entirely disconnected I was from everything and everyone there. I went with my sister to Cali for a day, started showing up for music practice, started cooking dinner at home and experimenting with baking. (Not that anyone Eats the corn bread. *glare*)

Maybe it's a God-sent. A Wake Up slap. (which is ironic because, seriously, I was sleeping all day.) I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do from here. Keep applying I guess. Start from scratch somehow, and earn a good job over time. Grow up maybe? I've been putting that off for a while. The important thing is that I finally woke up from the vortex of doom in which I'd wrapped myself, and I can start trying to get this mess under control.

*glares at bed* I'm only going back to it because I'm too chicken to sleep out in the living room. >_< (plus, seriously, it's quite cushy.)


Good night all!

Eclipse

Help me say good bye to me, I lived and died in me but who am I?
Barely born in the late of my life.
Already dying
Not a circle, beginning to end, but inside out
a shining eclipse,
Already been to my height, getting ready to crash and burn away
Where was the start of my hope?
Running away from where I’ve come
Over an edge into a pit that doesn’t end
and I couldn't read the signs with eyes closed tight
Just enough time left to take a deep breath before the plunge
And I’m born this way, dying, with sunlight on the shades
And darkness on my eyes

Make Beautiful Things

from life, unaware, unknown,
the changes that come
the beauty in the pain,
shadows in the rain
things unseen

gardens that grow,
blind to conditions
feeling for light in the night
a secret premonition
things unknown

stars in your eyes
the glimmer of pain
hope in a void
a touch of insane
things desired

A whisper that chills
A secret that kills
Touch of true love
Things feared

Messy emotions
Unscripted scenes
We make beautiful things
Trying to find what it all means

The 5th day of eternity.

What are Mondays and Fridays?
What good are fresh and sunny days?
A puddle of time stares back at me,
As I glare at it's empty ways. 

Time screams out "fill me!"
It dares to shout "kill me!"
But I'm stuck with its passage,
Slow, often still.

Where is the hustle?
The rushing demand?
The need to wake up,
Where's the purpose to stand?

Time simply goes on.

Panicking with a cop: the final act of 2013

Ending this year,  I signed two new songs, finally bought a straightener (after 5 years of claiming I'd buy one), and got pulled over for blowing past a stop sign.

It's been a Long time since I got pulled over (I used to get pulled over All the time for no reason except my truck was suspicious, so I've no fear of cops. I think I laughed and cried the first time though..)

In my defense,  my sister was on the phone,  terrified that someone was in the house. She calls me whispering into the phone,  I had just arrived at church (ON TIME, mind you.), and I immediately knew something was wrong. She tells me there was a man that yelled downstairs and she locked herself in her room. I told her, hang up and call the police immediately! She refused because she was afraid it would be a false alarm, if there was a window open somewhere. I end up getting my brother and taking off immediately.
Not one street down, I see my boys in blue lighting up my rear view mirror. Ugh! Bad timing guys. I have one brief wild urge to race him home, but my sis confirmed to my bro that she did not hear anything else, so I pulled over. The cop comes to my window, and wants me to lower my window (which I can't do...) So I offer to open my door instead. I hand him my DL and he tells me he pulled me over because I blew past the George st stop sign.

I explain about my sister,  apologize,  and he asks me 1. How old are you?  2. Is there alcohol in car, have you had any alcohol tonight? 

I was in a small panic about my sister,  so I'm not thinking straight.  I tell him 25, then Blow air at him and say "no, do the breathalizer thing,  it's cool, no drinking!" He checks my license,  registration,  and insurance right there by me, then gives me a warning and let's me go.

Of course I get home and it's a Total false alarm,  but I'd rather that be the case any day.