48 hours

 

   I'm pleased to acknowledge I've almost reached my first 48 sober hours in almost 5 years. I could not sleep however, melatonin and diphenhydramine did absolutely nothing. I finally slipped into a light sleep around 10:30a and woke again around 1p. I've been up since, and very productive! I cleaned, I cooked, I did a solid 3hrs of schoolwork...and then I hit a wall. It's 11p and once again sleep evades me. I have read far too many "mess around and find out" stories of others that opted to test the disulfiram reaction to be that foolish, but this is my new reality. I need to find new ways to decompress, to self-sooth when I'm upset, to fill my life with something more than the nothing of before. Where there was a ceasing of awareness, I now need to grow my environment. For any others that have sobered, how did you manage in the beginning? how long until your withdrawal symptoms kicked in and/or went away? 

 Also, I am hesitant to go to an AA meeting, but my Dr and Therapist are more or less demanding I go. I found a couple nearby, but I feel I would have more success if I devoted my time to unrelated goals. Like school, writing, photography....the things I used to love before I became substance dependent. Open to to hear other stories if anyone out there reads this. 

onward to the next 24hrs. :) 

Introducing 607

 

Today we're tracking my journey on this little white pill that could kill me but is intended to save my life. My name is Wendy, and I am an alcoholic.     

After a week of holding these pills (Disulfiram 250mg/Antabuse), I finally bit the bullet and threw back the first dose. Then I wept and my spouse hugged me. We talked about how this would change our relationship with ourselves and each other. He too is an alcoholic, and the conversation edges on remorse and mourning. I love you, I'm not going anywhere. 

I am waiting anxiously to see if I have any reactions. I waited approximately 20hrs from my last drink to take this, and to be quite honest I initially cut the pill in half but took both halves. An hour later, I can safely assume it has metabolized. thankfully, none of the side effects I feared! Going to try to sleep - I'm looking forward to genuine rest. updates to come. 

More stupid emo stuff. Last one I promise? lol

My future is taking a new shape, maybe not so dark, maybe not so bleak as I thought it would be? lol. It's been a few months, and I think if there was a solution to be had with my ex it would have resolved itself by now. Maybe it would have started to fall back together, but it isn't... At least, that was the excuse I used to make myself agree to go out with some random I met online. (sweet Jesus WHYYYY.) I'm glad I went though! I mean, sure I listened to Five Finger Death Punch and cried in my car afterwards, but hey! It lasted like ten seconds! (well, each mini session between when I got angry and upset again.) lol. No, but I'm glad I went now. (in like that, "learned a lesson" kind of way?) I mean, he was definitely not 27 like he said, (Soooo older than the younger photo of himself he used), and I had to snap at him mid-movie to STOP touching me. (I mean seriously, I'm like leaning AWAY from you, why are you still trying to lean into me? Get OFF.) But I mean, to his credit, he immediately sat upright and respected my personal space the rest of the movie. He was nice, but we were clearly not on the same page. Now at least I'm Totally positive that I'm going the "forever alone" route. I need to start practicing my salty business-woman attitude, lol.

hmm...no, I can't. I'm trying to banter, sort of for you, the reader, but more for me. So I can shove how I feel in a box, so that I can feel less gross about the whole thing. I'm still listening to five finger death punch. I'm not ready to see someone else, I feel so completely wrong for trying. I don't want someone else, and I should've listened to myself. Unfortunately, this has resulted in opting to just never date again. It was supposed to be easier. Moving on is supposed to be easy when you're exiting a toxic relationship. right? no? I don't know. I still love him with my soul, I don't know how to undo that. So instead of pretending I'm moving on, I'm just going to focus on my work. Having a family of my own is out of my grasp now, I'm getting older, and I don't want to love anyone else. I'm done with all that. For a long time.

On a positive note, I loved the Robin hood movie we went to see! Totally strayed from the literature, but it was done well. Not incredibly well, it was definitely rushed where it should have been given time - I mean, the sheriff's death was WAY underdone. The threats were on POINT, but the carry out was so anti-climactic and predictable. It could've been a LOT better. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it and I will watch the obvious sequel that may or may not actually come to fruition.

Also, I signed up for kickboxing! (I need something to keep me from crawling into a bottle and staying there)(I have incredibly poor coping skills.)


Any who, this night was productive. I look forward to following my intuition next time, and the business I will throw myself into so as to falsely smother the misery I'm hiding from myself. Time heals things, whether because you nurtured your wound or ignored it, the blood clots the same.






"I miss you most in my quiet moments, when there’s no noise at all. When there’s no work or family intervention, when I’m ignoring as you call. I miss you when I replay your voicemails (because I have never deleted those)

miss you when I go to sleep, miss you in my dreams. I miss you in the quiet night, I miss you in my seams. But I missed you right beside you, and that was so much worse. I’d rather miss you at a distance, than relive that kind of curse. "

- Me.

This new Epoch

  The last three years of my life are coming to a sudden creaking halt. Like a heavy old wooden door gaining momentum as it shuts but slowing right before it closes. Even though it was long overdue, I didn't really see it coming, but it's been an incredible blessing on us both! We are managing to stay friends, and he's thriving just fine. I gave up my apartment and moved back home, which I honestly kind of dreaded at first. (No one wants to be a thirty year old living at home.) It turned out to be wonderful! There's so much I missed being away, so much time I didn't spend with my little brother and sister, weekend thrift shopping with my nana, chatting it up with my mom, or making dinner for my dad. It breaks my heart. 💔 I also pretty much wrecked my social life and grew too far apart from all my friends. Making new ones is turning into an adventure lol. Working on it :p

    At first solitude is kind of sweet but it quickly becomes a depressing, cloying silence that you have to fill. My answer to that was.....fishing! Hahaha....I went to Walmart and now I have everything I need. Pole, bait, lures, a net, and some super grossly huge nightcrawlers. I haven't actually Caught anything yet, but the fishing is mostly therapeutic, so I enjoy sitting out by the lake anyway.

   In other news, shortly after moving home I got this incredibly sweet promotion at work. They basically asked if they could be my sugar daddy...who says no to that???? 😂 I travel for the company, and come home 3 days a week. It's the perfect balance. I'm meeting new people almost Every day, and taking space from the relapsing relationship cycle. It's been the healthiest change for me, minus actually Being healthy because I eat out every day now. (I need to put that in check because I still need to fit in this plane seat lol.) anyway that's where I'm at these days. Sometimes you shut the door, and sometimes it gets shut on you - you just have to remember not to keep standing in front of it and you'll be okay.

Kindness

the touch of your hand, along the pain of another,
The scent of your breath in the hope of your brother. This is where kindness lives.

An open space that was closed to tomorrow, so warmly created,
the sigh of peace flooding a heart where hatred abated. This is what kindness did.

There is no one else, no one prepackaged, conditioned,
There's no one created to bear out this mission. You are the kindness, you are the light, if you wish it.

Stuff now

Every thing she says so casually now is a laceration to her heart
As she speaks with closed lips she's trying to make him little,
So tearing him from her life won't be so bitter.

His world is painted bleakly, 50 shades Van Gogh. Slithering so serpentine, he's dancing with shadows in his mind, and so his words are twisted. He had real love in hand, and somehow he missed it.

I wish I could see them

I wish I could paint my words in the air, have them shimmer before me until I understand what to keep or dispel. I wish to dance in the flames of my passionate speeches, to reconstruct and edit my outbursts.

I wish to know my mind as you see it, to discover the secrets unknown to me. To watch the cadence of my compassion, to ebb the haste of my anger.

Here we are in the midst of our verbal vibrations, forgetting what was spoken, being told what others remember...wading in a pool of invisible but sometimes permanent sounds that resonate, revive, or utterly destroy others and ourselves.

I wish I could see them, as they stay with me or stay with you forever. I wish I could choose them - a visual marker before they're released, so I could paint our lives with beautiful words and edit myself when I'm ugly inside.

Instead, I get and you get my raw moments, and insecure slips, my overly devoted love language, and biting sarcasm. Dependant only on my mind, which is often impatient and hasty, and only sometimes knows when to shut up. Oh I wish, so much, I could see them...

words

words are a shield, a sword, a tonic, and a poison. Not just outwardly, but directed inward as well. We are the sum of our thoughts, our inwardly reflected voice...

If we are lost, broken, depressed, or apathetic, our inner voice will keep us there until we change our self speak. We guide ourselves ultimately, into success or failure.
For example, if we do not value ourselves, we may enter a cycle of dependance, unable to satisfy the need for confirmation. We will seek it from the world, but the confirmation we receive from others will be a temporary high. It will pass us by like summer rain giving temporary life, but the voice, your voice, will always return to consume you.
   The opposing end of this spectrum is equally destructive. To think oneself beyond fault is equivalent to mental blindness. You become unable to grow in philosophy, in character, or in logic. Growth requires constant examination of your thoughts and actions. Your words become a wall against personal growth.

   Whether spoken or thought, words are just sounds, nothing more.  They are syllables, letters, vibrations. Patterned wave translations of electrical impulses in the physical sense. These waves carry life, love, and war - external or internal. Not because of the words themselves, but because of the emotions we convey in them.
   Words, in my uneducated opinion, were created to give meaning to our emotions. Words then created a way to have thought, for all thought is self speak. As a result, our emotions are able to be manipulated by words, because words were born from our emotions. We cannot process words and actions as separate entities from how we feel. They are directly evaluated by allowing them to bring their patterns into our emotional center, and we react to the reaction they cause in us. (Keep in mind, this applies to self talk as well, which is communicated both in word-thought and undefined emotions.) There is no key to freedom from anger, depression, etc, except to change our own inner dialogue. You are the key to escaping your own hell. You are the key to your own freedom.

  Words - the sons of emotion; fathers of thought; the translation of our soul's vibrations.

my blind experience #texas

I was touring the capital with my dad,,and we stopped at the office of education cafeteria. I grabbed a low calorie cranberry drink and walnuts (that I ended up sharing with the squirrels), and my dad got Japanese peanuts and a coke zero. When we got to the register, the elderly man asked, "What're you having?" I instinctively gathered our stuff and said "just this." He immediately rebutted with " you'll have to tell me - I can't see." I hadn't been looking at the man, but I immediately felt a sense of awe as I realized my cashier was blind. I didn't miss a beat as I rattled off my little gathering of items, and he told me my charges. I handed him a ten and told him "this is a ten." He took me at my word and gave me my change. I was awestruck. He trusted me. He literally blindly trusted me. Because this is Texas, and your word is your bond. I have never ever experienced something like that. I wish society were worthy of such a thing as blind cashiers. That we could all be good and honest, and loving of one another without selfishness. That impacted me in such a deep way. I want to love, and to trust, and to be kind, and true. And I try to be. I hope we're all trying to be. Because a society where the blind can ring you up and give you change, is the kind of society I want to live in.

#survival

me: I'm driving to san Diego!!
Family: *gasp!!!!* you'll never make it!!!

5 hours later.....

Me: Why did the sun set so fast??! I'm still in the mountains!!! Why are these people speeding?! There's no light!! Wait! Must.Follow.Humans!!

Meanwhile, next to me, my nana clings to her belt with one hand and the door with the other. She can sense my anxiety - flooding through my pores, rolling off my skin in tidal waves of invisible chemical doom....my aunt tries to point out pretty rock formations, our eyes see only the road ahead. To look away is certain death. O_O

....

But we made it!! ^_^ 

     As our time here unravels, I have begun to learn certain streets, to accept weird Indian war cries in the night, and to regret not bringing hair tools.

Without a straightener, my hair has lost a sense of civility and now freely expresses it's rebellion in awkwardly curling tufts of glorious disgrace.

 To top it all off, it's impossible to avoid tanning! I swear, it's like fifty shades of brown up in here! #FarmerTan

    I love being here though, just being near the ocean is So great! We haven't actually gone to the beach yet, my greatnana needed surgery, so we've been keeping watch. Actually, the closest I've come to the water was a horrifying drive last night from the hospital, down a street with no streetlamps,  soul-swallowing pitch darkness, no turns, no traffic, and no end in sight.....I think I felt my heart shudder it's way up to my throat lol. Eventually I turned on GPS and we all breathed again when I found civilization.

A major plus on this trip has been the realization that I can make it to California on one tank of gas. $27 to fill and my baby will get me home! ;) knowing this now, I'm soooo gonna travel more often. <3 I didn't even get tired on the trip - I love driving! anywho, that's all for now. More tales of survival to come I'm sure. Ciao! ;)

How do I stop feeling?

There's never been a moment more horrifying in my life than the gasping pleading of a suffocating man that I cannot help. Every desperate clawing of his lungs to inhale shred through me like a serrated edge. His eyes were solid fear, and I'm afraid I will hear his dying voice begging me to help him in my dreams. My coworker and a resident are holding him up, trying to calm him, to try regulating his breathing, and I am on the phone with an operator. The woman's voice on the phone is a line of sanity I cling to, when all I want to do is scream. The EMT are on their way.

Panic, he tries to stand, like a final leap before he collapses. voices, they're trying to get him to respond. I repeat the operator's instructions, trying not to shout. Thrusts! count! 30....check response!....Again!....Again! The voice on the phone demands an AED and I drop the receiver to find it. I apply the pads as they pull away his clothes. Blue lips, the cold of his skin on my hands, dead lungs. Can't think now, must only Do. No shock advised. I flee away to the phone and inform her, my co-worker continues the thrusts. The AED analyzes again, still no shock advised. The operator's panic shakes my already slender emotional grasp. Time wades through cement. We switch. Hands together, quick thrusts. 30. and 30. EMT arrive and I fall away to a corner to watch - can't fall apart right now, I'm in charge here, have to be strong, accept shock and ignore pain...

10 minutes. Their AED machine sends a jolt through his body. The dead flop of his limbs, the sound of bare skin hitting the tile, I don't know how to feel. Oh Death, here is your sting after all. Life, why do you flee?

25 minutes. They've loaded him into the ambulance, and we are left in the stillness of our own shock. My coworker asks me if I think we could have done something different, if there was more. No, we did what we were trained to do. It's 4am. Neither of us cries, but we suffer together in silence.

Where my heart was, there is only a deep heaviness, a hollow that seems to go on past my body and reach into another realm beyond me. I write a brief report, send the emails, and numbly manage to get through the rest of the night. Then, I came home and wept in my mother's arms. I managed to rest a couple hours after that, but in the silence I could only relive it, over and over...so now I'm writing this in hopes that I can escape the moment. It feels so flat to apologize, so empty...but we couldn't save you, it was beyond us, please forgive us.

For Kelly

If I could avoid clichés for you Kelly, I would. But you were too young. Too silly. Too charming. Too sweet. Too reckless. I can't imagine you gone from the world, I wanted nothing but the best for you. I was there as you struggled to get up, and I was proud of you when you got back on your feet! I was there to wake you from your screaming nightmares; to get your butt out of bed in the morning for chores. You were always cheerful :) always smiling. Styling with your boy-band spiky hair and stud earrings. It hurts me to know how you ended. Your life was worth more Kelly, more than the alcohol and meth you couldn't escape. I hope you're resting now, no more running from nightmares. RIP.

My 'right now'

24 hours ago, I woke up to leaky yellow boogers. That is all.
#inevergetsick #seriously #lookedlikefakeyellowsnot
#eatingspicytamales #canttasteadamnthing
#myBritishaccentisOnPoint

That moment when you love your job.

Today we had a group meeting with my boss to discuss new changes, and what we thought might be the downside to his ideas. He wanted to model after the previous owner of Chik-fi-le, in the sense that he didn't want to copy anybody else, he wanted to do something unique and do it well. So he asked us, "When you talk about your job, what are you most proud of?" I'm not sure if it's the damn season or what, but I've been getting emotional easily lately! I love my job. I LOVE it. I told them, I am most proud that we get to treat these individuals like humans. That sounds weird, but let me elaborate. a Lot of these individuals come from the street, where they are invisible, and they don't count as part of normal society. They're shunned, no one listens to them, no one wants them. Here, we give them back a sense of identity that isn't "homeless". We can make them feel normal by listening to them, and making them feel wanted, and appreciated, and loved. We can Care about them in a real way.

I am looking for other employment, but I love these people. They're my kids. I hope to be able to volunteer here after I'm gone, and help the place prosper. anyway, I wanted to share that. Good day to you all!

More Disbelief. #beginningoftheEnd

Today I had the FABULOUS fortune of meeting my boss in his office with His boss. I've managed thus far to stay off the radar for a month or so, and I was doing quite well, but a single act of kindness became my demise.

There is a young guy in our care that is mentally ill, he's much younger than I am, and everyone is affectionate with him, etc. Anyway, one night he was refusing to go to bed, and it was past midnight. So I told him it was past his bedtime, and that I'd tuck him in if he went to bed.

WELL......................................

I was written up for "physically touching a resident and being in their bay". (The perception of my actions was questionable apparently.) That and because the residents come in to the office to hang out with me when I'm alone, it's a huge issue for them. I don't mind because it's quiet and sometimes lonely. Everybody lets the residents hang out with them in the office, even the day people let people come in to the administrative office! Whatever. Anyway, I received a formal written notice of correction to sign, and now have to have weekly meetings with my manager to discuss my behavioral improvement.

I used to love my job, but it's getting ridiculous for me and I think it's time to go. In three weeks I'll be out of my 6 month probation period and maybe I can transfer to another facility. Or just find another job elsewhere. The thing that irks me most is that my coworkers are hating on me enough that it got me in trouble, over something stupid! I have only two people I work with, and I thought I was cool with both of them but I guess not. So, if I can't be friendly with the residents and my coworkers are getting me in trouble for tucking in a kid with Down's, then skip it. I'm out.

Dismissed! Humiliated! #REVENGE

Never in my day have I felt the irresistible urge to face any of my college professors, but today I soared to the heights of rage in a second split so fine it was microscopic. >_____<



I got off work at 8am, so I'm tired and emotionally uh....flexible....
#unstable


I was giddy with hyperactivity, helping at a bake sale on campus, just waiting to get to class so I can finish up and go to bed. So 1:30 rolls around and I head over. (General Chemistry)


Right off the bat, like a voice from Hades to steal my joy, I hear: "If you do Not have you book with you, honestly, just leave, because you are going to need it for class."



I don't have the book, and I'm not going to buy the book cuz it's hella expensive. The book is offered in the library, so I read the chapters and study outside of class. Anyway, so I don't get up, because like hell I'm going to miss lecture just because she wants to do some problems out of the book. It's okay, I'll write down the page assigned and do it later in the library so I can be on the same page.

Wrong.


She walks around and loudly insists that anyone without a textbook leave Now. She gets irritated because no one gets up to leave, so she says again that she need to Get out, that she doesn't want to drive us out individually, don't make her do it, just leave.

I've never been high, but I imagine the sensation of instant rage is similar. The sudden feeling of airy lightness in your head, the tingling in your torso, the blood rush of adrenaline......


I asked just as loudly if this was going to count against us as an absence. (we are permitted only 2 per semester.) She says Yes, because she told us last class that we would need our books so we have no excuses. The tension was palpable, it was like two lions meeting, she could feel that I was going to fight her, and I could feel that she was going to fight me.

She proceeds to lecture that other students have made it possible to have the book and as such we should all have the book, and we have no way to succeed without having the book in class.

I do not move. I'm trying to decide whether I should piss her off by staying anyway, or if I really want to leave. If I leave, I'll either stay outside the classroom and wait for her, or I'll end up at the Dean's office to rant. Neither of these would go well. As I'm contemplating, she walks up to me, I'm sitting at the top of the ascending rows, and asked for my name, which I calmly spelled out for her. She then says, "you can either sign the attendance sheet and leave, or you can stay here and be absent." With great personal effort, because respect is always due to a professor, I quietly stated that I would wait for the attendance sheet to pass and then I would leave. So I did exactly that. I ultimately decided that I would not confront her, nor go rage to the Dean since she at least permitted me to be marked as present. I suppose an email will be necessary so we can both avoid going into a hormonal-female death-match of doom.


Sigh* there, I'm all raged out. Until next class when she kicks me out again and I publicly eat her soul.

#needsleep

It's Almost official, I've survived the first week of school! *building drumroll, rising trumpets, ascending trombones....* <- oops, that's star wars, hahaha...

well, I've met 1 guy thus far, his name is TJ, he is tall, has dreads, and is a mixed martial artist. I think I officially cemented the friendship when I told him I was super badass at Mrs. PacMan. ;p

On another note, I FINALLY got sleep last night! It was so glorious :') adjusting to my new sleep schedule has been utter torment - the blazing flames of irritability have raged on those days where I inexplicably can't sleep more than 2 hours. I'll be super drained and I go to bed and when I FINALLY fall asleep, it's brief. I'll just wake up after a couple hours and be DONE sleeping. I don't get it. Of course after a few hours, my nap-energy is completely gone.... But I finally got about 7 hours last night and it was MAGICAL. (throw my recently acquired love for the white can of calorie free Monster on top of that, and I was Flying around at work last night, broomstick-free, lol.)

Oh! More greatness! My Zumba teacher came back from his brief vacation and so SOMEHOW I am going to get my butt over there cuz I am NOT about to regain that weight. (I would be sooo angry at myself.) So far I've managed to maintain it, ishly. I gained 6lbs in two months, I wasn't being careful. But Now......BRING IT ON. Cuz I SERIOUSLY want to look as fabulous as I feel that I am, lol. I don't know how I'm gonna do it though, that's just too much sleep sacrificed. I never understood when people said they survived on coffee, until this week! when mcc was offering free coffee for the first few days and I seriously hit ALL the coffee stands on wednesday morning, one after another, cuz I just couldn't do it on willpower alone. Tonight I don't work though, and so I think I'll make the sacrifice at least today to get back into the swing of gym-life. (insert "do you even lift, bro?" meme here.)

My Passive Aggressive life right now.

Rollercoasters are intended to be fun, you get the intense high of the rise and then the shattering fear of the fall, only to slide into home safe and look back at it all for what it was - just a ride. For the record I hate roller coasters. I'm afraid of the highs and terrified of the falls. sigh*

This concept sort of applies to life, except the highs are short lived and the dips leave your stomach flipped far past the fall. This weekend, I spent time with old friends that I very much missed (major high) but we had been apart so long that we were quiet and couldn't converse easily. (low) I went out with a friend that I care for very much, and we saw a movie and we ate and we had fun :) (major high) then we got into a fight and fell apart. (major low) Granted we fall apart every couple weeks, but it is what it is. I went to work which i always enjoy, and then got in trouble at work for asking my boss a question that I had asked my supervisor. (another low...) I've never worked somewhere where I couldn't just ask anybody anything I wanted. This whole chain of command thing is...just weird. I understand authority, but I wasn't trying to flout anyone. I clearly thought this would be a non-issue or i wouldn't have risked directing a question at my boss. God forbid. AUGH.


Anyway, so I've been awake since 11a sunday morning, and I won't get to bed until 4p today monday BECAUSE......Today is my first day of school!!! :D well, second day, I had my first class on saturday, but today is the first day there are actually a ton of people on campus! unfortunately I look like a banshee, since I haven't slept, and I'm cranky despite how much I'm looking forward to getting into the swing of school. The high here is that my girl Tina will be with me and my lil bro too, it's all good. And the way I see it, I'll be too tired and busy studying to worry about anybody. (Although I definitely plan to meet ppl in my classes, that's part of the charm of school! :D) it's just not gonna be today, cuz today I'll probably eat the soul of anyone that tries to talk to me. ahh well. Here goes. Let's cross our fingers for cute smart guys and at least a couple cool chicks. I'll get back at ya in a few hours! lol.

Month #4

Currently, laying in bed, reading my own blog. (Cuz, well, I'm damn funny! Haaa.....jk :p) I wanted to see where I've been, and remember anything I've forgotten. I've been 26 for 5 days now, a week I'll never forget. I changed, it was just too much grief and anger. The happiness in my heart has been filled with cement. I think I may have frightened my co-workers and the residents, they've never seen me be still and silent. Perhaps it's better. I still feel vaguely unwanted by morning staff, like I'm begrudgingly being allowed to remain, and that doesn't help. Perhaps if I just shut off, shut down emotions, stop talking to anyone, then perhaps I'd be acceptable. 30mins from now I'll be headed there again. Tonight we implement some new rules my boss wants to try out, so fingers crossed.
   There's a woman at my work, she's my supervisor. I have a feeling that everywhere she goes, no matter what she's doing, she's thinking about the shelter. I've been there 4 months now,  and since reading my blog, I realize I'm becoming the same way. Even now,  i already want to be There,  not Here. After work, I want to linger and see if there's anything last minute that needs doing, and briefly interact with the next shift. My boss says we lack cohesion - I think this is because we don't take the time to get to know each other. We have no team building activities, nor time to do them. We don't trust each other, and there's a lack of syncopy between those that have been there for Years and we that are yet fledglings.
On another note, I've been thinking I should take a brief vacation. Go to Long Beach, back home to California with my cousin. Eating crab at ports-o-call, and taking a brief cruise off the pier.....before school starts and hell really breaks loose. I'm looking forward to the misery of school. :) I work well under stress, and at this rate I'll probably get straight A's.  :p

#Fragile

for the past few days, my family has been in and out of the hospital. My parents more than anyone, because a deacon at our church fell ill. 

I've never seen someone deteriorate that fast.

Today I turned 26, and I feel I should appreciate this opportunity more than I currently do. That man was in his early 40's, strong, humble, friendly. And now there's this hole, an emptiness that will walk beside his wife and children for a long time. I'm angry about his passing, because I feel like there wasn't even a chance. There wasn't time, and he fought hard to stay alive. 

Blood transfusions had failed, chemo wrecked him, his organs shut down, his immune system collapsed, and this all happened in 3-4 days. A landslide into the grave that no one foresaw. He had so little blood left in his body by the 3rd day, the nurses couldn't believe he was still living. He had bled out massively, but his heart kept on beating. The doctor told everyone they needed to say good bye, and when his wife finally told him that she'd be okay, and thanked him for being an amazing husband and father, he relaxed and slowly his heart beat to a stop. It's heartbreaking, and I fail to accept it.

And here I am, turning 26 on the day of his death. I feel weary, a heaviness, and yet a determination. To help his family, to make sure they make it, in honor of all the years of friendship this man gave my family. That's all I can do now, that's all we can do. The funeral will be in a few days, and I can't help feeling like the carpet was yanked out from under us all. He was sick, we knew that much, but he was in the hospital friday, watching sports with us all around him, joking and eating hospital jello....and gone by Wednesday morning.  Trini, you were a valient man, thank you for teaching us patience, love, mercy, and kindness. We won't abandon your family, they're our family too. Rest in Peace.