More stupid emo stuff. Last one I promise? lol

My future is taking a new shape, maybe not so dark, maybe not so bleak as I thought it would be? lol. It's been a few months, and I think if there was a solution to be had with my ex it would have resolved itself by now. Maybe it would have started to fall back together, but it isn't... At least, that was the excuse I used to make myself agree to go out with some random I met online. (sweet Jesus WHYYYY.) I'm glad I went though! I mean, sure I listened to Five Finger Death Punch and cried in my car afterwards, but hey! It lasted like ten seconds! (well, each mini session between when I got angry and upset again.) lol. No, but I'm glad I went now. (in like that, "learned a lesson" kind of way?) I mean, he was definitely not 27 like he said, (Soooo older than the younger photo of himself he used), and I had to snap at him mid-movie to STOP touching me. (I mean seriously, I'm like leaning AWAY from you, why are you still trying to lean into me? Get OFF.) But I mean, to his credit, he immediately sat upright and respected my personal space the rest of the movie. He was nice, but we were clearly not on the same page. Now at least I'm Totally positive that I'm going the "forever alone" route. I need to start practicing my salty business-woman attitude, lol.

hmm...no, I can't. I'm trying to banter, sort of for you, the reader, but more for me. So I can shove how I feel in a box, so that I can feel less gross about the whole thing. I'm still listening to five finger death punch. I'm not ready to see someone else, I feel so completely wrong for trying. I don't want someone else, and I should've listened to myself. Unfortunately, this has resulted in opting to just never date again. It was supposed to be easier. Moving on is supposed to be easy when you're exiting a toxic relationship. right? no? I don't know. I still love him with my soul, I don't know how to undo that. So instead of pretending I'm moving on, I'm just going to focus on my work. Having a family of my own is out of my grasp now, I'm getting older, and I don't want to love anyone else. I'm done with all that. For a long time.

On a positive note, I loved the Robin hood movie we went to see! Totally strayed from the literature, but it was done well. Not incredibly well, it was definitely rushed where it should have been given time - I mean, the sheriff's death was WAY underdone. The threats were on POINT, but the carry out was so anti-climactic and predictable. It could've been a LOT better. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it and I will watch the obvious sequel that may or may not actually come to fruition.

Also, I signed up for kickboxing! (I need something to keep me from crawling into a bottle and staying there)(I have incredibly poor coping skills.)


Any who, this night was productive. I look forward to following my intuition next time, and the business I will throw myself into so as to falsely smother the misery I'm hiding from myself. Time heals things, whether because you nurtured your wound or ignored it, the blood clots the same.






"I miss you most in my quiet moments, when there’s no noise at all. When there’s no work or family intervention, when I’m ignoring as you call. I miss you when I replay your voicemails (because I have never deleted those)

miss you when I go to sleep, miss you in my dreams. I miss you in the quiet night, I miss you in my seams. But I missed you right beside you, and that was so much worse. I’d rather miss you at a distance, than relive that kind of curse. "

- Me.