Tuesday, December 11, 2018

More stupid emo stuff. Last one I promise? lol

My future is taking a new shape, maybe not so dark, maybe not so bleak as I thought it would be? lol. It's been a few months, and I think if there was a solution to be had with my ex it would have resolved itself by now. Maybe it would have started to fall back together, but it isn't... At least, that was the excuse I used to make myself agree to go out with some random I met online. (sweet Jesus WHYYYY.) I'm glad I went though! I mean, sure I listened to Five Finger Death Punch and cried in my car afterwards, but hey! It lasted like ten seconds! (well, each mini session between when I got angry and upset again.) lol. No, but I'm glad I went now. (in like that, "learned a lesson" kind of way?) I mean, he was definitely not 27 like he said, (Soooo older than the younger photo of himself he used), and I had to snap at him mid-movie to STOP touching me. (I mean seriously, I'm like leaning AWAY from you, why are you still trying to lean into me? Get OFF.) But I mean, to his credit, he immediately sat upright and respected my personal space the rest of the movie. He was nice, but we were clearly not on the same page. Now at least I'm Totally positive that I'm going the "forever alone" route. I need to start practicing my salty business-woman attitude, lol.

hmm...no, I can't. I'm trying to banter, sort of for you, the reader, but more for me. So I can shove how I feel in a box, so that I can feel less gross about the whole thing. I'm still listening to five finger death punch. I'm not ready to see someone else, I feel so completely wrong for trying. I don't want someone else, and I should've listened to myself. Unfortunately, this has resulted in opting to just never date again. It was supposed to be easier. Moving on is supposed to be easy when you're exiting a toxic relationship. right? no? I don't know. I still love him with my soul, I don't know how to undo that. So instead of pretending I'm moving on, I'm just going to focus on my work. Having a family of my own is out of my grasp now, I'm getting older, and I don't want to love anyone else. I'm done with all that. For a long time.

On a positive note, I loved the Robin hood movie we went to see! Totally strayed from the literature, but it was done well. Not incredibly well, it was definitely rushed where it should have been given time - I mean, the sheriff's death was WAY underdone. The threats were on POINT, but the carry out was so anti-climactic and predictable. It could've been a LOT better. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it and I will watch the obvious sequel that may or may not actually come to fruition.

Also, I signed up for kickboxing! (I need something to keep me from crawling into a bottle and staying there)(I have incredibly poor coping skills.)

Any who, this night was productive. I look forward to following my intuition next time, and the business I will throw myself into so as to falsely smother the misery I'm hiding from myself. Time heals things, whether because you nurtured your wound or ignored it, the blood clots the same.

"I miss you most in my quiet moments, when there’s no noise at all. When there’s no work or family intervention, when I’m ignoring as you call. I miss you when I replay your voicemails (because I have never deleted those)

miss you when I go to sleep, miss you in my dreams. I miss you in the quiet night, I miss you in my seams. But I missed you right beside you, and that was so much worse. I’d rather miss you at a distance, than relive that kind of curse. "

- Me.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

This new Epoch

  The last three years of my life are coming to a sudden creaking halt. Like a heavy old wooden door gaining momentum as it shuts but slowing right before it closes. Even though it was long overdue, I didn't really see it coming, but it's been an incredible blessing on us both! We are managing to stay friends, and he's thriving just fine. I gave up my apartment and moved back home, which I honestly kind of dreaded at first. (No one wants to be a thirty year old living at home.) It turned out to be wonderful! There's so much I missed being away, so much time I didn't spend with my little brother and sister, weekend thrift shopping with my nana, chatting it up with my mom, or making dinner for my dad. It breaks my heart. 💔 I also pretty much wrecked my social life and grew too far apart from all my friends. Making new ones is turning into an adventure lol. Working on it :p

    At first solitude is kind of sweet but it quickly becomes a depressing, cloying silence that you have to fill. My answer to that was.....fishing! Hahaha....I went to Walmart and now I have everything I need. Pole, bait, lures, a net, and some super grossly huge nightcrawlers. I haven't actually Caught anything yet, but the fishing is mostly therapeutic, so I enjoy sitting out by the lake anyway.

   In other news, shortly after moving home I got this incredibly sweet promotion at work. They basically asked if they could be my sugar daddy...who says no to that???? 😂 I travel for the company, and come home 3 days a week. It's the perfect balance. I'm meeting new people almost Every day, and taking space from the relapsing relationship cycle. It's been the healthiest change for me, minus actually Being healthy because I eat out every day now. (I need to put that in check because I still need to fit in this plane seat lol.) anyway that's where I'm at these days. Sometimes you shut the door, and sometimes it gets shut on you - you just have to remember not to keep standing in front of it and you'll be okay.

Sunday, September 23, 2018


the touch of your hand, along the pain of another,
The scent of your breath in the hope of your brother. This is where kindness lives.

An open space that was closed to tomorrow, so warmly created,
the sigh of peace flooding a heart where hatred abated. This is what kindness did.

There is no one else, no one prepackaged, conditioned,
There's no one created to bear out this mission. You are the kindness, you are the light, if you wish it.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Stuff now

Every thing she says so casually now is a laceration to her heart
As she speaks with closed lips she's trying to make him little,
So tearing him from her life won't be so bitter.

His world is painted bleakly, 50 shades Van Gogh. Slithering so serpentine, he's dancing with shadows in his mind, and so his words are twisted. He had real love in hand, and somehow he missed it.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

I wish I could see them

I wish I could paint my words in the air, have them shimmer before me until I understand what to keep or dispel. I wish to dance in the flames of my passionate speeches, to reconstruct and edit my outbursts.

I wish to know my mind as you see it, to discover the secrets unknown to me. To watch the cadence of my compassion, to ebb the haste of my anger.

Here we are in the midst of our verbal vibrations, forgetting what was spoken, being told what others remember...wading in a pool of invisible but sometimes permanent sounds that resonate, revive, or utterly destroy others and ourselves.

I wish I could see them, as they stay with me or stay with you forever. I wish I could choose them - a visual marker before they're released, so I could paint our lives with beautiful words and edit myself when I'm ugly inside.

Instead, I get and you get my raw moments, and insecure slips, my overly devoted love language, and biting sarcasm. Dependant only on my mind, which is often impatient and hasty, and only sometimes knows when to shut up. Oh I wish, so much, I could see them...

Saturday, July 18, 2015


words are a shield, a sword, a tonic, and a poison. Not just outwardly, but directed inward as well. We are the sum of our thoughts, our inwardly reflected voice...

If we are lost, broken, depressed, or apathetic, our inner voice will keep us there until we change our self speak. We guide ourselves ultimately, into success or failure.
For example, if we do not value ourselves, we may enter a cycle of dependance, unable to satisfy the need for confirmation. We will seek it from the world, but the confirmation we receive from others will be a temporary high. It will pass us by like summer rain giving temporary life, but the voice, your voice, will always return to consume you.
   The opposing end of this spectrum is equally destructive. To think oneself beyond fault is equivalent to mental blindness. You become unable to grow in philosophy, in character, or in logic. Growth requires constant examination of your thoughts and actions. Your words become a wall against personal growth.

   Whether spoken or thought, words are just sounds, nothing more.  They are syllables, letters, vibrations. Patterned wave translations of electrical impulses in the physical sense. These waves carry life, love, and war - external or internal. Not because of the words themselves, but because of the emotions we convey in them.
   Words, in my uneducated opinion, were created to give meaning to our emotions. Words then created a way to have thought, for all thought is self speak. As a result, our emotions are able to be manipulated by words, because words were born from our emotions. We cannot process words and actions as separate entities from how we feel. They are directly evaluated by allowing them to bring their patterns into our emotional center, and we react to the reaction they cause in us. (Keep in mind, this applies to self talk as well, which is communicated both in word-thought and undefined emotions.) There is no key to freedom from anger, depression, etc, except to change our own inner dialogue. You are the key to escaping your own hell. You are the key to your own freedom.

  Words - the sons of emotion; fathers of thought; the translation of our soul's vibrations.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

my blind experience #texas

I was touring the capital with my dad,,and we stopped at the office of education cafeteria. I grabbed a low calorie cranberry drink and walnuts (that I ended up sharing with the squirrels), and my dad got Japanese peanuts and a coke zero. When we got to the register, the elderly man asked, "What're you having?" I instinctively gathered our stuff and said "just this." He immediately rebutted with " you'll have to tell me - I can't see." I hadn't been looking at the man, but I immediately felt a sense of awe as I realized my cashier was blind. I didn't miss a beat as I rattled off my little gathering of items, and he told me my charges. I handed him a ten and told him "this is a ten." He took me at my word and gave me my change. I was awestruck. He trusted me. He literally blindly trusted me. Because this is Texas, and your word is your bond. I have never ever experienced something like that. I wish society were worthy of such a thing as blind cashiers. That we could all be good and honest, and loving of one another without selfishness. That impacted me in such a deep way. I want to love, and to trust, and to be kind, and true. And I try to be. I hope we're all trying to be. Because a society where the blind can ring you up and give you change, is the kind of society I want to live in.