my blind experience #texas

I was touring the capital with my dad,,and we stopped at the office of education cafeteria. I grabbed a low calorie cranberry drink and walnuts (that I ended up sharing with the squirrels), and my dad got Japanese peanuts and a coke zero. When we got to the register, the elderly man asked, "What're you having?" I instinctively gathered our stuff and said "just this." He immediately rebutted with " you'll have to tell me - I can't see." I hadn't been looking at the man, but I immediately felt a sense of awe as I realized my cashier was blind. I didn't miss a beat as I rattled off my little gathering of items, and he told me my charges. I handed him a ten and told him "this is a ten." He took me at my word and gave me my change. I was awestruck. He trusted me. He literally blindly trusted me. Because this is Texas, and your word is your bond. I have never ever experienced something like that. I wish society were worthy of such a thing as blind cashiers. That we could all be good and honest, and loving of one another without selfishness. That impacted me in such a deep way. I want to love, and to trust, and to be kind, and true. And I try to be. I hope we're all trying to be. Because a society where the blind can ring you up and give you change, is the kind of society I want to live in.

#survival

me: I'm driving to san Diego!!
Family: *gasp!!!!* you'll never make it!!!

5 hours later.....

Me: Why did the sun set so fast??! I'm still in the mountains!!! Why are these people speeding?! There's no light!! Wait! Must.Follow.Humans!!

Meanwhile, next to me, my nana clings to her belt with one hand and the door with the other. She can sense my anxiety - flooding through my pores, rolling off my skin in tidal waves of invisible chemical doom....my aunt tries to point out pretty rock formations, our eyes see only the road ahead. To look away is certain death. O_O

....

But we made it!! ^_^ 

     As our time here unravels, I have begun to learn certain streets, to accept weird Indian war cries in the night, and to regret not bringing hair tools.

Without a straightener, my hair has lost a sense of civility and now freely expresses it's rebellion in awkwardly curling tufts of glorious disgrace.

 To top it all off, it's impossible to avoid tanning! I swear, it's like fifty shades of brown up in here! #FarmerTan

    I love being here though, just being near the ocean is So great! We haven't actually gone to the beach yet, my greatnana needed surgery, so we've been keeping watch. Actually, the closest I've come to the water was a horrifying drive last night from the hospital, down a street with no streetlamps,  soul-swallowing pitch darkness, no turns, no traffic, and no end in sight.....I think I felt my heart shudder it's way up to my throat lol. Eventually I turned on GPS and we all breathed again when I found civilization.

A major plus on this trip has been the realization that I can make it to California on one tank of gas. $27 to fill and my baby will get me home! ;) knowing this now, I'm soooo gonna travel more often. <3 I didn't even get tired on the trip - I love driving! anywho, that's all for now. More tales of survival to come I'm sure. Ciao! ;)

How do I stop feeling?

There's never been a moment more horrifying in my life than the gasping pleading of a suffocating man that I cannot help. Every desperate clawing of his lungs to inhale shred through me like a serrated edge. His eyes were solid fear, and I'm afraid I will hear his dying voice begging me to help him in my dreams. My coworker and a resident are holding him up, trying to calm him, to try regulating his breathing, and I am on the phone with an operator. The woman's voice on the phone is a line of sanity I cling to, when all I want to do is scream. The EMT are on their way.

Panic, he tries to stand, like a final leap before he collapses. voices, they're trying to get him to respond. I repeat the operator's instructions, trying not to shout. Thrusts! count! 30....check response!....Again!....Again! The voice on the phone demands an AED and I drop the receiver to find it. I apply the pads as they pull away his clothes. Blue lips, the cold of his skin on my hands, dead lungs. Can't think now, must only Do. No shock advised. I flee away to the phone and inform her, my co-worker continues the thrusts. The AED analyzes again, still no shock advised. The operator's panic shakes my already slender emotional grasp. Time wades through cement. We switch. Hands together, quick thrusts. 30. and 30. EMT arrive and I fall away to a corner to watch - can't fall apart right now, I'm in charge here, have to be strong, accept shock and ignore pain...

10 minutes. Their AED machine sends a jolt through his body. The dead flop of his limbs, the sound of bare skin hitting the tile, I don't know how to feel. Oh Death, here is your sting after all. Life, why do you flee?

25 minutes. They've loaded him into the ambulance, and we are left in the stillness of our own shock. My coworker asks me if I think we could have done something different, if there was more. No, we did what we were trained to do. It's 4am. Neither of us cries, but we suffer together in silence.

Where my heart was, there is only a deep heaviness, a hollow that seems to go on past my body and reach into another realm beyond me. I write a brief report, send the emails, and numbly manage to get through the rest of the night. Then, I came home and wept in my mother's arms. I managed to rest a couple hours after that, but in the silence I could only relive it, over and over...so now I'm writing this in hopes that I can escape the moment. It feels so flat to apologize, so empty...but we couldn't save you, it was beyond us, please forgive us.

For Kelly

If I could avoid clichés for you Kelly, I would. But you were too young. Too silly. Too charming. Too sweet. Too reckless. I can't imagine you gone from the world, I wanted nothing but the best for you. I was there as you struggled to get up, and I was proud of you when you got back on your feet! I was there to wake you from your screaming nightmares; to get your butt out of bed in the morning for chores. You were always cheerful :) always smiling. Styling with your boy-band spiky hair and stud earrings. It hurts me to know how you ended. Your life was worth more Kelly, more than the alcohol and meth you couldn't escape. I hope you're resting now, no more running from nightmares. RIP.

My 'right now'

24 hours ago, I woke up to leaky yellow boogers. That is all.
#inevergetsick #seriously #lookedlikefakeyellowsnot
#eatingspicytamales #canttasteadamnthing
#myBritishaccentisOnPoint

That moment when you love your job.

Today we had a group meeting with my boss to discuss new changes, and what we thought might be the downside to his ideas. He wanted to model after the previous owner of Chik-fi-le, in the sense that he didn't want to copy anybody else, he wanted to do something unique and do it well. So he asked us, "When you talk about your job, what are you most proud of?" I'm not sure if it's the damn season or what, but I've been getting emotional easily lately! I love my job. I LOVE it. I told them, I am most proud that we get to treat these individuals like humans. That sounds weird, but let me elaborate. a Lot of these individuals come from the street, where they are invisible, and they don't count as part of normal society. They're shunned, no one listens to them, no one wants them. Here, we give them back a sense of identity that isn't "homeless". We can make them feel normal by listening to them, and making them feel wanted, and appreciated, and loved. We can Care about them in a real way.

I am looking for other employment, but I love these people. They're my kids. I hope to be able to volunteer here after I'm gone, and help the place prosper. anyway, I wanted to share that. Good day to you all!

More Disbelief. #beginningoftheEnd

Today I had the FABULOUS fortune of meeting my boss in his office with His boss. I've managed thus far to stay off the radar for a month or so, and I was doing quite well, but a single act of kindness became my demise.

There is a young guy in our care that is mentally ill, he's much younger than I am, and everyone is affectionate with him, etc. Anyway, one night he was refusing to go to bed, and it was past midnight. So I told him it was past his bedtime, and that I'd tuck him in if he went to bed.

WELL......................................

I was written up for "physically touching a resident and being in their bay". (The perception of my actions was questionable apparently.) That and because the residents come in to the office to hang out with me when I'm alone, it's a huge issue for them. I don't mind because it's quiet and sometimes lonely. Everybody lets the residents hang out with them in the office, even the day people let people come in to the administrative office! Whatever. Anyway, I received a formal written notice of correction to sign, and now have to have weekly meetings with my manager to discuss my behavioral improvement.

I used to love my job, but it's getting ridiculous for me and I think it's time to go. In three weeks I'll be out of my 6 month probation period and maybe I can transfer to another facility. Or just find another job elsewhere. The thing that irks me most is that my coworkers are hating on me enough that it got me in trouble, over something stupid! I have only two people I work with, and I thought I was cool with both of them but I guess not. So, if I can't be friendly with the residents and my coworkers are getting me in trouble for tucking in a kid with Down's, then skip it. I'm out.