That awkward moment....#drugs

Ok,  seriously,  I need to start sleeping at night because this whole 8a training just isn't going to fly anymore. The main point here is why am I here when I'm supposed to be in fabulous new hire training? Because it wouldn't be my life if something didn't go unexpectedly and humorously wrong.

Yesterday was Awesome. Lots of paperwork and training, and learning about all the different programs run by this company. I was feeling work pride already, lol. :) they had us do our testing there with a nurse, which was cool for me because she explained how everything works. So I took my tb test and thankfully I'd already had my hep b series through ASU so I didn't have to take the shots. (ANY reduction in needles coming near me is a massive positive in my life, lol.) Everything was going Great! .........except...............

       ...guess who failed the drug test?...

o.O  <- your face right?

Yea. Me.

I tested positive for Opioids and Amphetamines.  (Apparently that boils down to Heroin and Meth?)

O___O     <- aaand your face now.

That's right ladies and gents, I'm a crack head. Or, wait, is that street for meth? No, that's for cocaine isn't it? So, Mary Jane, right?  Sorry, I'm new to this, I've only been labeled since yesterday lol.

Actually, the source of my druggie-ness  isn't from some shady handshake or briefcase drop-off in a dark corner. It's actually from Phentermine. A weight loss pill I've been taking prescribed by a real licenced physician on a weekly basis.  (which I highly recommend by the way, just not when drug testing for a job, lol.)

So they sent me to go get another drug test at a hospital. Naturally, I went to the Sonora Quest there and it closed at 4:30. I arrived at 4:38. -_-

Today, I managed by some sheer inner strength to get out of bed at 6:45a and head out to the lab again where I was promptly informed that I needed to have brought a formal request from my employer to get the test taken. (Ok, seriously, I am so not awake enough for this, and I really need to go pee, but I have to save it, auuughh!) 

Long story short, I had gone to the wrong testing center, but I still needed a form. So about 45 bladder-bursting minutes later, the correct testing center informed me that the lab will send the results to my employer within 24-48hrs. This means I can't return to training until after the lab concludes I'm on drugs and I formally present them with the phentermine. 

So now I'm back in bed, that place of comfort and love.... (*see blog post Vortex of Doom) good night ppl!

countdown to life, in 5, 4, 3...

In about 5 hours, I will once again rejoin the working class and be a useful member of society.  So why am I not asleep? Partly because I'm recently addicted to Hay Day (I figured out how to push those dang frogs off my property, hehehe!!! Cunning!!!  Skill!!!) but mostly because I'm nervous.

   I've taken work in social services as an overnight associate. (So staying up late is probably good preemptive training..)

    I went unexpectedly with my mother to a conference training regarding our food bank a couple weeks back and happened to sit at a table with my Now boss. He had been speaking about his workplace, and when I expressed interest he advised me of a position available at his location. I applied, interviewed with 3 authorities there, and was fortunately hired following the tour. God-sent, right?  That's how I see it. Nonetheless, nearly everyone I've told has been concerned for my safety - more so than I had expected. It hadn't seemed like a big deal to me initially, I was just excited to be working again. Fortunately, a friend of mine from Macy's told me his wife had previously worked in the same position, so I contacted her and she was kind enough to give me a crash course on what sorts of things to expect and duties I'll have in this position.

Worries aside, I'm currently laying on the furthermost upper left corner of my bed,  surrounded by the upheaved dredges of my life. I mean, bedroom.

For those that frequent my home,  you're aware that my room is nearly always a mess, but this is a literal and thorough gutting out of my possessions. Why? It's the result of a desperate search for documents that have hitherto been unheeded and carelessly packaged.  (They asked for everything short of a blood sample, although I'm sure that'll be next on the list.)

Seriously, I'm sharing a bed with boxes of books that I'm too lazy to attempt to balance elsewhere.....while odds and ends from thrift stores, vhs tapes, valueless beanie babies, paint tubes, comics, broken trophies my mom won't let me toss, more books, clothes and shoes litter every other available space. Oh, and one of my closet doors is leaning against my dresser.  (I had to go through my closet shelf as well.) The smell of dust is prevalent.

I was relatively successful, but failed to locate my AA. I knooowww it's in here somewhere, but I may have to just order a duplicate.

Well, I'm tempted to just stay up, but since caffeine and I have a rather tenuous friendship, I suppose some sleep is better than none. Here's to working, learning, and having money to buy cat food lol. Cheers!

The one with the Hashtags.

It's been two months since I've been of any use to society as a whole...

#bumming #useless #sleep

I stare up at my ceiling in the morning, well no, I stare at my side wall since I'm a side sleeper, and ask, What do I do today? The walls aren't helping though, they stare at me with a blank face. #Jerks

It's funny, being jobless makes you really ponder about the point of living. Or is that just me?
#justme

Without a job, what do you do? I, personally, mope. Working gives me a sense of belonging, a sense of meaning, of being needed, and of accomplishment.

#canyoutellimsingle? #notamom #notinschool

I've always loved my jobs. All of them. I've never worked somewhere I hated. I wouldn't even apply somewhere just to apply unless I really thought I'd enjoy the work and could see myself staying. I'm a firm believer that you should love what you do. My dad taught me that if you do what you love, it'll be easier to succeed. I'm sure he meant long-term, but I applied it short term and it works for me. So this whole "Experiencing retirement Minus the travel/Housewife training" period, is NOT THE BUSINESS!

#notaboutthatHousewifeLife

The only new thing going on right now, is that I'm back on a health kick. (THE COKE MARKET IS CRASHING! PANIC EVERYWHERE! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LOST!! STOCKS DECLINE DRASTICALLY! *coke owner tries to jump off building in publicity stunt* lol. #thestruggleisreal.


I've started drinking tea (real tea, no sugar), walking on the previously neglected treadmill, keeping real track of my calorie intake, and drinking more water. It tortures me inside to drink water, as I've mentioned, so the tea thing has helped a lot. Plus, I'm going to a clinic and have partnered up with one of my best friends, soooo they're all keeping me accountable.

that's all I have for now, no crazy workouts or crazy dieting. Doable, manageable, and not totally miserable yet lol.

The cycle of night

We stay up cringing in our hearts over the sorrows and joys we're afraid to feel in the light. We go to bed trying to bury our fears in the night. The voiceless whisper and scream in our ears, finding their sound in the silence. 

Despite shattered hearts, why is it so easy feel? why isn't it simple for those same shards to heal?

Lost in a void of our own creation,
Trying to shove it in a box
and live

Everyday, Learning to be,
Not quite existing for others, learning to say "I love me"

Why do we struggle, insecurities flying,
Happiness, half strangled by our own reluctance, is dying.

Leap off the box of doubts, shine light on the shadows; we can be more than our nightmares predict.

So we sleep, to awaken back into the cycle again.

The Vortex of Doom: My Life

It's behind me now, as we speak.
I can feel it's heavy stare. Like when you look across a room and accidentally link eyes with someone and it feels like they've stared into your soul. Except it won't look away, it's staring into my soul and saying "I accept you, I'll shield you, come here, to me." (NO. O_O leave me alone! O_o *runs away*)

I'm not going to lie, it's been my home for the past three weeks. I took shelter under it's promise of freedom, that I could forget everything and live a life apart. When I wake early for no reason at all, it's there to say "shhh...you'll be fine. Go back to sleep."

Only a few days ago did I begin to realize how dependent I'd become. Though I'm loathe to use it again, it's kind of necessary. I'm referring of course, to my bed.

For those who don't know, 2014 came in and ripped my life into confetti. I'm jobless, broke, vehicle-less, and single. (Well, that last one's been around for a while, so it's not really a complaint so much as an extra cup of YOU SUCK! in the boiling pot of it that I've recently acquired.) I was too careless with my attendance points at work, mostly because my vehicle frequently needed either gas or power steering fluid. So I'd be late to work at least twice a month. If that had been the direct cause of my dismissal, I wouldn't hate myself so much. No. Instead, it's a fluke. A sheer fluke. I signed up for OT early in the week, but it wasn't on my schedule the day prior to it, so I assumed I thought about signing up but didn't. (I have TERRIBLE memory.) So I decided to just keep the day off, didn't show up obviously, and BAAMMM!!! I lost my last attendance point. *FACEPALM* Kudos to my supervisor and managers that tried to argue my case and save me for a week and a half, but the point system reigns supreme.

Soooo....I'm not even kidding, I've buried myself in sleep and video games. Why? Because....I was accomplishing something, even though I wasn't accomplishing anything. I've applied to several places, but they either turned out to be work from home, shady outbound call centers selling weight loss products (I couldn't do it, the Irony would be too great), or they couldn't proceed with my application because of my having been dismissed from Macy's. Oh, and it appears my car decided to fall apart with me. As of yesterday, it's cleaner than it's ever been while under my use, and it'll be towed tomorrow to the scrap heap. (It was pretty bad in there, lol.) So I can't go anywhere - interview, hangout, general ESCAPE FROM HOME...all out the window. It's been hell.

On the upside, I've gotten to spend more time at church and with my family. I'm actually starting to get to know people's names at church, and knowing when events are. (I practically live for the events) I never noticed how entirely disconnected I was from everything and everyone there. I went with my sister to Cali for a day, started showing up for music practice, started cooking dinner at home and experimenting with baking. (Not that anyone Eats the corn bread. *glare*)

Maybe it's a God-sent. A Wake Up slap. (which is ironic because, seriously, I was sleeping all day.) I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do from here. Keep applying I guess. Start from scratch somehow, and earn a good job over time. Grow up maybe? I've been putting that off for a while. The important thing is that I finally woke up from the vortex of doom in which I'd wrapped myself, and I can start trying to get this mess under control.

*glares at bed* I'm only going back to it because I'm too chicken to sleep out in the living room. >_< (plus, seriously, it's quite cushy.)


Good night all!

Eclipse

Help me say good bye to me, I lived and died in me but who am I?
Barely born in the late of my life.
Already dying
Not a circle, beginning to end, but inside out
a shining eclipse,
Already been to my height, getting ready to crash and burn away
Where was the start of my hope?
Running away from where I’ve come
Over an edge into a pit that doesn’t end
and I couldn't read the signs with eyes closed tight
Just enough time left to take a deep breath before the plunge
And I’m born this way, dying, with sunlight on the shades
And darkness on my eyes

Make Beautiful Things

from life, unaware, unknown,
the changes that come
the beauty in the pain,
shadows in the rain
things unseen

gardens that grow,
blind to conditions
feeling for light in the night
a secret premonition
things unknown

stars in your eyes
the glimmer of pain
hope in a void
a touch of insane
things desired

A whisper that chills
A secret that kills
Touch of true love
Things feared

Messy emotions
Unscripted scenes
We make beautiful things
Trying to find what it all means