That moment when you love your job.

Today we had a group meeting with my boss to discuss new changes, and what we thought might be the downside to his ideas. He wanted to model after the previous owner of Chik-fi-le, in the sense that he didn't want to copy anybody else, he wanted to do something unique and do it well. So he asked us, "When you talk about your job, what are you most proud of?" I'm not sure if it's the damn season or what, but I've been getting emotional easily lately! I love my job. I LOVE it. I told them, I am most proud that we get to treat these individuals like humans. That sounds weird, but let me elaborate. a Lot of these individuals come from the street, where they are invisible, and they don't count as part of normal society. They're shunned, no one listens to them, no one wants them. Here, we give them back a sense of identity that isn't "homeless". We can make them feel normal by listening to them, and making them feel wanted, and appreciated, and loved. We can Care about them in a real way.

I am looking for other employment, but I love these people. They're my kids. I hope to be able to volunteer here after I'm gone, and help the place prosper. anyway, I wanted to share that. Good day to you all!

More Disbelief. #beginningoftheEnd

Today I had the FABULOUS fortune of meeting my boss in his office with His boss. I've managed thus far to stay off the radar for a month or so, and I was doing quite well, but a single act of kindness became my demise.

There is a young guy in our care that is mentally ill, he's much younger than I am, and everyone is affectionate with him, etc. Anyway, one night he was refusing to go to bed, and it was past midnight. So I told him it was past his bedtime, and that I'd tuck him in if he went to bed.

WELL......................................

I was written up for "physically touching a resident and being in their bay". (The perception of my actions was questionable apparently.) That and because the residents come in to the office to hang out with me when I'm alone, it's a huge issue for them. I don't mind because it's quiet and sometimes lonely. Everybody lets the residents hang out with them in the office, even the day people let people come in to the administrative office! Whatever. Anyway, I received a formal written notice of correction to sign, and now have to have weekly meetings with my manager to discuss my behavioral improvement.

I used to love my job, but it's getting ridiculous for me and I think it's time to go. In three weeks I'll be out of my 6 month probation period and maybe I can transfer to another facility. Or just find another job elsewhere. The thing that irks me most is that my coworkers are hating on me enough that it got me in trouble, over something stupid! I have only two people I work with, and I thought I was cool with both of them but I guess not. So, if I can't be friendly with the residents and my coworkers are getting me in trouble for tucking in a kid with Down's, then skip it. I'm out.

Dismissed! Humiliated! #REVENGE

Never in my day have I felt the irresistible urge to face any of my college professors, but today I soared to the heights of rage in a second split so fine it was microscopic. >_____<



I got off work at 8am, so I'm tired and emotionally uh....flexible....
#unstable


I was giddy with hyperactivity, helping at a bake sale on campus, just waiting to get to class so I can finish up and go to bed. So 1:30 rolls around and I head over. (General Chemistry)


Right off the bat, like a voice from Hades to steal my joy, I hear: "If you do Not have you book with you, honestly, just leave, because you are going to need it for class."



I don't have the book, and I'm not going to buy the book cuz it's hella expensive. The book is offered in the library, so I read the chapters and study outside of class. Anyway, so I don't get up, because like hell I'm going to miss lecture just because she wants to do some problems out of the book. It's okay, I'll write down the page assigned and do it later in the library so I can be on the same page.

Wrong.


She walks around and loudly insists that anyone without a textbook leave Now. She gets irritated because no one gets up to leave, so she says again that she need to Get out, that she doesn't want to drive us out individually, don't make her do it, just leave.

I've never been high, but I imagine the sensation of instant rage is similar. The sudden feeling of airy lightness in your head, the tingling in your torso, the blood rush of adrenaline......


I asked just as loudly if this was going to count against us as an absence. (we are permitted only 2 per semester.) She says Yes, because she told us last class that we would need our books so we have no excuses. The tension was palpable, it was like two lions meeting, she could feel that I was going to fight her, and I could feel that she was going to fight me.

She proceeds to lecture that other students have made it possible to have the book and as such we should all have the book, and we have no way to succeed without having the book in class.

I do not move. I'm trying to decide whether I should piss her off by staying anyway, or if I really want to leave. If I leave, I'll either stay outside the classroom and wait for her, or I'll end up at the Dean's office to rant. Neither of these would go well. As I'm contemplating, she walks up to me, I'm sitting at the top of the ascending rows, and asked for my name, which I calmly spelled out for her. She then says, "you can either sign the attendance sheet and leave, or you can stay here and be absent." With great personal effort, because respect is always due to a professor, I quietly stated that I would wait for the attendance sheet to pass and then I would leave. So I did exactly that. I ultimately decided that I would not confront her, nor go rage to the Dean since she at least permitted me to be marked as present. I suppose an email will be necessary so we can both avoid going into a hormonal-female death-match of doom.


Sigh* there, I'm all raged out. Until next class when she kicks me out again and I publicly eat her soul.

#needsleep

It's Almost official, I've survived the first week of school! *building drumroll, rising trumpets, ascending trombones....* <- oops, that's star wars, hahaha...

well, I've met 1 guy thus far, his name is TJ, he is tall, has dreads, and is a mixed martial artist. I think I officially cemented the friendship when I told him I was super badass at Mrs. PacMan. ;p

On another note, I FINALLY got sleep last night! It was so glorious :') adjusting to my new sleep schedule has been utter torment - the blazing flames of irritability have raged on those days where I inexplicably can't sleep more than 2 hours. I'll be super drained and I go to bed and when I FINALLY fall asleep, it's brief. I'll just wake up after a couple hours and be DONE sleeping. I don't get it. Of course after a few hours, my nap-energy is completely gone.... But I finally got about 7 hours last night and it was MAGICAL. (throw my recently acquired love for the white can of calorie free Monster on top of that, and I was Flying around at work last night, broomstick-free, lol.)

Oh! More greatness! My Zumba teacher came back from his brief vacation and so SOMEHOW I am going to get my butt over there cuz I am NOT about to regain that weight. (I would be sooo angry at myself.) So far I've managed to maintain it, ishly. I gained 6lbs in two months, I wasn't being careful. But Now......BRING IT ON. Cuz I SERIOUSLY want to look as fabulous as I feel that I am, lol. I don't know how I'm gonna do it though, that's just too much sleep sacrificed. I never understood when people said they survived on coffee, until this week! when mcc was offering free coffee for the first few days and I seriously hit ALL the coffee stands on wednesday morning, one after another, cuz I just couldn't do it on willpower alone. Tonight I don't work though, and so I think I'll make the sacrifice at least today to get back into the swing of gym-life. (insert "do you even lift, bro?" meme here.)

My Passive Aggressive life right now.

Rollercoasters are intended to be fun, you get the intense high of the rise and then the shattering fear of the fall, only to slide into home safe and look back at it all for what it was - just a ride. For the record I hate roller coasters. I'm afraid of the highs and terrified of the falls. sigh*

This concept sort of applies to life, except the highs are short lived and the dips leave your stomach flipped far past the fall. This weekend, I spent time with old friends that I very much missed (major high) but we had been apart so long that we were quiet and couldn't converse easily. (low) I went out with a friend that I care for very much, and we saw a movie and we ate and we had fun :) (major high) then we got into a fight and fell apart. (major low) Granted we fall apart every couple weeks, but it is what it is. I went to work which i always enjoy, and then got in trouble at work for asking my boss a question that I had asked my supervisor. (another low...) I've never worked somewhere where I couldn't just ask anybody anything I wanted. This whole chain of command thing is...just weird. I understand authority, but I wasn't trying to flout anyone. I clearly thought this would be a non-issue or i wouldn't have risked directing a question at my boss. God forbid. AUGH.


Anyway, so I've been awake since 11a sunday morning, and I won't get to bed until 4p today monday BECAUSE......Today is my first day of school!!! :D well, second day, I had my first class on saturday, but today is the first day there are actually a ton of people on campus! unfortunately I look like a banshee, since I haven't slept, and I'm cranky despite how much I'm looking forward to getting into the swing of school. The high here is that my girl Tina will be with me and my lil bro too, it's all good. And the way I see it, I'll be too tired and busy studying to worry about anybody. (Although I definitely plan to meet ppl in my classes, that's part of the charm of school! :D) it's just not gonna be today, cuz today I'll probably eat the soul of anyone that tries to talk to me. ahh well. Here goes. Let's cross our fingers for cute smart guys and at least a couple cool chicks. I'll get back at ya in a few hours! lol.

Month #4

Currently, laying in bed, reading my own blog. (Cuz, well, I'm damn funny! Haaa.....jk :p) I wanted to see where I've been, and remember anything I've forgotten. I've been 26 for 5 days now, a week I'll never forget. I changed, it was just too much grief and anger. The happiness in my heart has been filled with cement. I think I may have frightened my co-workers and the residents, they've never seen me be still and silent. Perhaps it's better. I still feel vaguely unwanted by morning staff, like I'm begrudgingly being allowed to remain, and that doesn't help. Perhaps if I just shut off, shut down emotions, stop talking to anyone, then perhaps I'd be acceptable. 30mins from now I'll be headed there again. Tonight we implement some new rules my boss wants to try out, so fingers crossed.
   There's a woman at my work, she's my supervisor. I have a feeling that everywhere she goes, no matter what she's doing, she's thinking about the shelter. I've been there 4 months now,  and since reading my blog, I realize I'm becoming the same way. Even now,  i already want to be There,  not Here. After work, I want to linger and see if there's anything last minute that needs doing, and briefly interact with the next shift. My boss says we lack cohesion - I think this is because we don't take the time to get to know each other. We have no team building activities, nor time to do them. We don't trust each other, and there's a lack of syncopy between those that have been there for Years and we that are yet fledglings.
On another note, I've been thinking I should take a brief vacation. Go to Long Beach, back home to California with my cousin. Eating crab at ports-o-call, and taking a brief cruise off the pier.....before school starts and hell really breaks loose. I'm looking forward to the misery of school. :) I work well under stress, and at this rate I'll probably get straight A's.  :p

#Fragile

for the past few days, my family has been in and out of the hospital. My parents more than anyone, because a deacon at our church fell ill. 

I've never seen someone deteriorate that fast.

Today I turned 26, and I feel I should appreciate this opportunity more than I currently do. That man was in his early 40's, strong, humble, friendly. And now there's this hole, an emptiness that will walk beside his wife and children for a long time. I'm angry about his passing, because I feel like there wasn't even a chance. There wasn't time, and he fought hard to stay alive. 

Blood transfusions had failed, chemo wrecked him, his organs shut down, his immune system collapsed, and this all happened in 3-4 days. A landslide into the grave that no one foresaw. He had so little blood left in his body by the 3rd day, the nurses couldn't believe he was still living. He had bled out massively, but his heart kept on beating. The doctor told everyone they needed to say good bye, and when his wife finally told him that she'd be okay, and thanked him for being an amazing husband and father, he relaxed and slowly his heart beat to a stop. It's heartbreaking, and I fail to accept it.

And here I am, turning 26 on the day of his death. I feel weary, a heaviness, and yet a determination. To help his family, to make sure they make it, in honor of all the years of friendship this man gave my family. That's all I can do now, that's all we can do. The funeral will be in a few days, and I can't help feeling like the carpet was yanked out from under us all. He was sick, we knew that much, but he was in the hospital friday, watching sports with us all around him, joking and eating hospital jello....and gone by Wednesday morning.  Trini, you were a valient man, thank you for teaching us patience, love, mercy, and kindness. We won't abandon your family, they're our family too. Rest in Peace.