Month #4

Currently, laying in bed, reading my own blog. (Cuz, well, I'm damn funny! Haaa.....jk :p) I wanted to see where I've been, and remember anything I've forgotten. I've been 26 for 5 days now, a week I'll never forget. I changed, it was just too much grief and anger. The happiness in my heart has been filled with cement. I think I may have frightened my co-workers and the residents, they've never seen me be still and silent. Perhaps it's better. I still feel vaguely unwanted by morning staff, like I'm begrudgingly being allowed to remain, and that doesn't help. Perhaps if I just shut off, shut down emotions, stop talking to anyone, then perhaps I'd be acceptable. 30mins from now I'll be headed there again. Tonight we implement some new rules my boss wants to try out, so fingers crossed.
   There's a woman at my work, she's my supervisor. I have a feeling that everywhere she goes, no matter what she's doing, she's thinking about the shelter. I've been there 4 months now,  and since reading my blog, I realize I'm becoming the same way. Even now,  i already want to be There,  not Here. After work, I want to linger and see if there's anything last minute that needs doing, and briefly interact with the next shift. My boss says we lack cohesion - I think this is because we don't take the time to get to know each other. We have no team building activities, nor time to do them. We don't trust each other, and there's a lack of syncopy between those that have been there for Years and we that are yet fledglings.
On another note, I've been thinking I should take a brief vacation. Go to Long Beach, back home to California with my cousin. Eating crab at ports-o-call, and taking a brief cruise off the pier.....before school starts and hell really breaks loose. I'm looking forward to the misery of school. :) I work well under stress, and at this rate I'll probably get straight A's.  :p

#Fragile

for the past few days, my family has been in and out of the hospital. My parents more than anyone, because a deacon at our church fell ill. 

I've never seen someone deteriorate that fast.

Today I turned 26, and I feel I should appreciate this opportunity more than I currently do. That man was in his early 40's, strong, humble, friendly. And now there's this hole, an emptiness that will walk beside his wife and children for a long time. I'm angry about his passing, because I feel like there wasn't even a chance. There wasn't time, and he fought hard to stay alive. 

Blood transfusions had failed, chemo wrecked him, his organs shut down, his immune system collapsed, and this all happened in 3-4 days. A landslide into the grave that no one foresaw. He had so little blood left in his body by the 3rd day, the nurses couldn't believe he was still living. He had bled out massively, but his heart kept on beating. The doctor told everyone they needed to say good bye, and when his wife finally told him that she'd be okay, and thanked him for being an amazing husband and father, he relaxed and slowly his heart beat to a stop. It's heartbreaking, and I fail to accept it.

And here I am, turning 26 on the day of his death. I feel weary, a heaviness, and yet a determination. To help his family, to make sure they make it, in honor of all the years of friendship this man gave my family. That's all I can do now, that's all we can do. The funeral will be in a few days, and I can't help feeling like the carpet was yanked out from under us all. He was sick, we knew that much, but he was in the hospital friday, watching sports with us all around him, joking and eating hospital jello....and gone by Wednesday morning.  Trini, you were a valient man, thank you for teaching us patience, love, mercy, and kindness. We won't abandon your family, they're our family too. Rest in Peace.

Little known

Little known pieces, moments, memories in my head
Crumpled notes, sentences I've never said.
Music, laughter, sketching in gray,
My life spilled out on canvas - this was running away.
veins exposed, vulnerable and broken,
Using one another to heal, and lost by that same token.

The Magic number of a Brief Soiree

The magic number is 5. FIVE. Today I had the great pleasure of seeing my boss in his office again, and we touched on an interesting subject. Since I'd heard about it beforehand, I wasn't surprised it was on his mind. Apparently, I've been a total floozy (sp?) at work, having multiple affairs, including with coworkers! I laughed. He laughed.  But the concern was real. I don't think my boss really thinks I'm taking advantage of his clients, but he Has to address me over it. It's simultaneously amusing and annoying. It's like playing telephone, one thing turns into another as more ppl hear a rumor and tell it more sensationally. More frustrating is that I genuinely Love working there, I put in the work, and I do it with compassion and kindness, but I'm seriously contemplating finding other work. I don't want to leave A New Leaf, this is my Dream company, I've been wanting to work with them since I was 18!! So maybe I can just beg for a transfer? I'm so happy where I am though, it makes me literally sad to think of leaving, but there's just too much tension over nothing.
   Other than this meeting, the past few days have been so Great at work! This morning I helped a guy learn to sew up his pants, I felt like a mom :p I was so proud when he got it right. ^-^  I helped a kid calm down from a bout of anxiety a few days ago. That kid is like a son or a little brother to me. I know attachment is bad, so I'm trying not to be, but I definitely want him to do well in life. Maybe I should work with youth.... since I have some insanely maternal instincts for someone that doesn't want kids, lol. The problem is that my life only works if my job is overnight. *sigh*  life changes ahead?

Holy crow, drama!!

The latest development at work was a shot in dark soaring in out of left field at the speed of No Freaking Way. O_O

so I was recently informed that I was part of a love triangle at work. I noticed that a coworker was being short with me suddenly, but there was no reason to be since we don't ever work together or even at the same times. I brushed it off since it didn't affect me in any way. Turns out, this person is under the impression that I'm "husband hunting" at the homeless shelter. (Insert cereal spitting meme face here.) On top of that, this person decided to tell my boss that I'm "shopping" at the center. I. Can't. Even. Believe...

However! Don't hate this person, she is/was being misled by a guy that decided to tell her I was trying to get in his pants. He was probably trying to make her jealous, or was saying this in hopes that she would take interest in him, or he's just a dumbass, take your pick. Either way, I was in shock. -_-

  The guy and I got into it for a bit when he let it slip that he'd done it, but in the end, I forgave him and let it go. No harm, no foul. My boss questioned him and he told him it wasn't true, which is great otherwise I would've had to like, devour his soul or whatever....lol. I'm just stunned that I could be part of a drama and be That totally unaware! I'm just here folding towels like doot-du-doo....and simultaneously causing drama with my sheer existence. O_o I mean I know I'm utterly sexy but still! <-(heavy sarcasm.) My co-worker ended up resigning, which sucks cuz now we're more short staffed.  So that's the latest development.
   In other news, I work 6.5 days this week! Whoo!! I wish they'd just give me a raise and put me on salary. I'd be there all the time cleaning and cooking and keeping ppl in check, lol. :p so here's to another night ahead, cheers!

Decisions (Sex Offenders, Work Power, etc.)

My 26th birthday quickly approaches, and as I've come of adult age, I've begun to look at the winding curve of my life. I haven't a clue where my life is leading, I haven't an idea of where to sail. I know only certain things have become true as I've sailed aimlessly, albeit reluctantly, onward.

I have decided to own property, and to exclusively rent this property (away from schools, parks, pools, churches, etc...) to those that have a sex offender felony in their past. I know that sounds controversial, and there are all sorts of things going through your head right now. Mostly the question WHY. The answer is that I work with them now, and I have stopped being part of typical society as a result. I still react to the crimes in the same way as society, shock, hatred, disgust...but as a Christian, when they have served their time, when they have repented, when they have changed...it is our duty to help them assimilate into society once again. The questions will always linger, "How do you know they've changed? What if you're wrong? What if they commit again?" If they do, they go back to prison. Period. If we don't provide them housing, as it is nearly impossible for them to get housing, then they will be roaming the streets. Are you aware that if a sex offender can't find housing, they are assigned a street corner as an address? That means they could be anywhere. Outside. Is that better? no. Obviously, the facility would need to be monitored, but I'd like to be able to provide this help to them in in a near future. Maybe the next few years. I could probably start a housing organization...and I would employ some of these individuals as well, at least for intake or something of the sort. I don't have anything definite, obviously, but I want to help fill this need somehow.

That's all I have for now, actually. Originally, I had wanted to give a general catch up of my life, but nothing new is going on. I have no plans for celebrating my 26th birthday, I haven't exercised in 2 weeks, I'm talking to people a lot less for no real reason, I've stopped painting/sketching altogether, and work has been stressful.

Actually, Yes! Let's talk about work. My work bosses are traumatized by prior employee females that ended up in relationships with the males at the shelter. I guess the rules before were something along the lines of "your business is your business but keep it outside the shelter." NOW the rules are "NO. Not here, not there, not Anywhere." because these chicks couldn't keep it off the work property. As you know, those of you whom I know in person, I am a highly social, emotional, mid-tempered individual. I like to work, I work excessively, and I like to have fun while I do so. I can't work and not socialize. It just doesn't work for me. I will get anything you need done, but don't put me in a box by myself, I will not last long. Thanks to these prior rule-breakers, I'm now monitored. I'm not sure that it's on purpose, but I can sense that it's happening. I can't eat in the common room anymore, I can't have a resident assist me in the kitchen anymore, actually I can't even take longer than an hour for set up otherwise it looks suspicious. I talk to someone and they watch me, like I have some hidden agenda they're hunting. I'm sure it'll pass with time, but I can't help to wonder whether or not they really have control over what I do in my private time. If I run into an ex resident out there, and we have lunch, am I fired? What if one of them starts working at the places I hang out - do I have to stop going there? Heck, what if one of them starts going to my church? Or they end up at the MCC when I'm there? Or they go to the thrift shops I go to? Logistically speaking, there are at least 90 guys there at any given time, all of them working in the mesa area, most of them near the facility, and most of them move out to places in mesa. Eventually, it's bound to happen. Does that make me Bound to get fired? I mean, how much power are we talking about them having here? I'm not fighting for a right to date these guys, just for the right not to be fired over what I do when I'm not on the clock with them. Because my life is none of their business, especially when it doesn't affect them. It's been a few months so far though, and I still truly love my job, despite the stress and constant flux in rules and expectations. Apart from their heavy suspicious, I hope they like me too! Most of all though, I hope I am in some way making a positive impact on the lives of the residents with whom I interact on a daily basis. That's all that really matters to me. I want to know their names, their stories, their hopes. I want to touch their lives, hold them to an expectation and hope they rise to it. They're my children (to me) and I want them to successfully get off the ground. I don't know how much longer I'll be there, but I don't want to leave and think I didn't do my best for these guys. Change is fine, rules are fine, but let's stick to something logical people.

Life Achievement Unlocked! :D

3 days of work/life induced sleep-deprivation later....I find myself driving my nana's truck down main st, heading home to sleep after having assisted in a church conference. Suddenly,  through the misty haze of my mind....a Whim whispered "Buy a Car!" I resisted passively, saying I'm pretty sure I can't afford it....

Next thing I know..... I've signed a whole bunch of papers at the first dealership I happened to come across and it's too late to back out! Not that I cared, I was just signing stuff. Whoo! Car! (my wallet cried silently in the background.)

Several phone calls, a few financial withdrawals, and a payment schedule later....the buyer's remorse is chewing up my soul. O_O (GAAAHHH!) I drove home in the truck, feeling like I'd committed a heinous crime against my finances, and the panic attack set in like a flash flood of horror. But then again..... this was My car! My own!  FINALLY. I brought my Chevy Cobalt home a couple days later and it was like unlocking an achievement in a game, I leveled up to car-owner! So here's the official announcement, 

WHOOOO! I BOUGHT A CAR!!!! :D