For Kelly

If I could avoid clichés for you Kelly, I would. But you were too young. Too silly. Too charming. Too sweet. Too reckless. I can't imagine you gone from the world, I wanted nothing but the best for you. I was there as you struggled to get up, and I was proud of you when you got back on your feet! I was there to wake you from your screaming nightmares; to get your butt out of bed in the morning for chores. You were always cheerful :) always smiling. Styling with your boy-band spiky hair and stud earrings. It hurts me to know how you ended. Your life was worth more Kelly, more than the alcohol and meth you couldn't escape. I hope you're resting now, no more running from nightmares. RIP.

My 'right now'

24 hours ago, I woke up to leaky yellow boogers. That is all.
#inevergetsick #seriously #lookedlikefakeyellowsnot
#eatingspicytamales #canttasteadamnthing
#myBritishaccentisOnPoint

That moment when you love your job.

Today we had a group meeting with my boss to discuss new changes, and what we thought might be the downside to his ideas. He wanted to model after the previous owner of Chik-fi-le, in the sense that he didn't want to copy anybody else, he wanted to do something unique and do it well. So he asked us, "When you talk about your job, what are you most proud of?" I'm not sure if it's the damn season or what, but I've been getting emotional easily lately! I love my job. I LOVE it. I told them, I am most proud that we get to treat these individuals like humans. That sounds weird, but let me elaborate. a Lot of these individuals come from the street, where they are invisible, and they don't count as part of normal society. They're shunned, no one listens to them, no one wants them. Here, we give them back a sense of identity that isn't "homeless". We can make them feel normal by listening to them, and making them feel wanted, and appreciated, and loved. We can Care about them in a real way.

I am looking for other employment, but I love these people. They're my kids. I hope to be able to volunteer here after I'm gone, and help the place prosper. anyway, I wanted to share that. Good day to you all!

More Disbelief. #beginningoftheEnd

Today I had the FABULOUS fortune of meeting my boss in his office with His boss. I've managed thus far to stay off the radar for a month or so, and I was doing quite well, but a single act of kindness became my demise.

There is a young guy in our care that is mentally ill, he's much younger than I am, and everyone is affectionate with him, etc. Anyway, one night he was refusing to go to bed, and it was past midnight. So I told him it was past his bedtime, and that I'd tuck him in if he went to bed.

WELL......................................

I was written up for "physically touching a resident and being in their bay". (The perception of my actions was questionable apparently.) That and because the residents come in to the office to hang out with me when I'm alone, it's a huge issue for them. I don't mind because it's quiet and sometimes lonely. Everybody lets the residents hang out with them in the office, even the day people let people come in to the administrative office! Whatever. Anyway, I received a formal written notice of correction to sign, and now have to have weekly meetings with my manager to discuss my behavioral improvement.

I used to love my job, but it's getting ridiculous for me and I think it's time to go. In three weeks I'll be out of my 6 month probation period and maybe I can transfer to another facility. Or just find another job elsewhere. The thing that irks me most is that my coworkers are hating on me enough that it got me in trouble, over something stupid! I have only two people I work with, and I thought I was cool with both of them but I guess not. So, if I can't be friendly with the residents and my coworkers are getting me in trouble for tucking in a kid with Down's, then skip it. I'm out.

Dismissed! Humiliated! #REVENGE

Never in my day have I felt the irresistible urge to face any of my college professors, but today I soared to the heights of rage in a second split so fine it was microscopic. >_____<



I got off work at 8am, so I'm tired and emotionally uh....flexible....
#unstable


I was giddy with hyperactivity, helping at a bake sale on campus, just waiting to get to class so I can finish up and go to bed. So 1:30 rolls around and I head over. (General Chemistry)


Right off the bat, like a voice from Hades to steal my joy, I hear: "If you do Not have you book with you, honestly, just leave, because you are going to need it for class."



I don't have the book, and I'm not going to buy the book cuz it's hella expensive. The book is offered in the library, so I read the chapters and study outside of class. Anyway, so I don't get up, because like hell I'm going to miss lecture just because she wants to do some problems out of the book. It's okay, I'll write down the page assigned and do it later in the library so I can be on the same page.

Wrong.


She walks around and loudly insists that anyone without a textbook leave Now. She gets irritated because no one gets up to leave, so she says again that she need to Get out, that she doesn't want to drive us out individually, don't make her do it, just leave.

I've never been high, but I imagine the sensation of instant rage is similar. The sudden feeling of airy lightness in your head, the tingling in your torso, the blood rush of adrenaline......


I asked just as loudly if this was going to count against us as an absence. (we are permitted only 2 per semester.) She says Yes, because she told us last class that we would need our books so we have no excuses. The tension was palpable, it was like two lions meeting, she could feel that I was going to fight her, and I could feel that she was going to fight me.

She proceeds to lecture that other students have made it possible to have the book and as such we should all have the book, and we have no way to succeed without having the book in class.

I do not move. I'm trying to decide whether I should piss her off by staying anyway, or if I really want to leave. If I leave, I'll either stay outside the classroom and wait for her, or I'll end up at the Dean's office to rant. Neither of these would go well. As I'm contemplating, she walks up to me, I'm sitting at the top of the ascending rows, and asked for my name, which I calmly spelled out for her. She then says, "you can either sign the attendance sheet and leave, or you can stay here and be absent." With great personal effort, because respect is always due to a professor, I quietly stated that I would wait for the attendance sheet to pass and then I would leave. So I did exactly that. I ultimately decided that I would not confront her, nor go rage to the Dean since she at least permitted me to be marked as present. I suppose an email will be necessary so we can both avoid going into a hormonal-female death-match of doom.


Sigh* there, I'm all raged out. Until next class when she kicks me out again and I publicly eat her soul.

#needsleep

It's Almost official, I've survived the first week of school! *building drumroll, rising trumpets, ascending trombones....* <- oops, that's star wars, hahaha...

well, I've met 1 guy thus far, his name is TJ, he is tall, has dreads, and is a mixed martial artist. I think I officially cemented the friendship when I told him I was super badass at Mrs. PacMan. ;p

On another note, I FINALLY got sleep last night! It was so glorious :') adjusting to my new sleep schedule has been utter torment - the blazing flames of irritability have raged on those days where I inexplicably can't sleep more than 2 hours. I'll be super drained and I go to bed and when I FINALLY fall asleep, it's brief. I'll just wake up after a couple hours and be DONE sleeping. I don't get it. Of course after a few hours, my nap-energy is completely gone.... But I finally got about 7 hours last night and it was MAGICAL. (throw my recently acquired love for the white can of calorie free Monster on top of that, and I was Flying around at work last night, broomstick-free, lol.)

Oh! More greatness! My Zumba teacher came back from his brief vacation and so SOMEHOW I am going to get my butt over there cuz I am NOT about to regain that weight. (I would be sooo angry at myself.) So far I've managed to maintain it, ishly. I gained 6lbs in two months, I wasn't being careful. But Now......BRING IT ON. Cuz I SERIOUSLY want to look as fabulous as I feel that I am, lol. I don't know how I'm gonna do it though, that's just too much sleep sacrificed. I never understood when people said they survived on coffee, until this week! when mcc was offering free coffee for the first few days and I seriously hit ALL the coffee stands on wednesday morning, one after another, cuz I just couldn't do it on willpower alone. Tonight I don't work though, and so I think I'll make the sacrifice at least today to get back into the swing of gym-life. (insert "do you even lift, bro?" meme here.)

My Passive Aggressive life right now.

Rollercoasters are intended to be fun, you get the intense high of the rise and then the shattering fear of the fall, only to slide into home safe and look back at it all for what it was - just a ride. For the record I hate roller coasters. I'm afraid of the highs and terrified of the falls. sigh*

This concept sort of applies to life, except the highs are short lived and the dips leave your stomach flipped far past the fall. This weekend, I spent time with old friends that I very much missed (major high) but we had been apart so long that we were quiet and couldn't converse easily. (low) I went out with a friend that I care for very much, and we saw a movie and we ate and we had fun :) (major high) then we got into a fight and fell apart. (major low) Granted we fall apart every couple weeks, but it is what it is. I went to work which i always enjoy, and then got in trouble at work for asking my boss a question that I had asked my supervisor. (another low...) I've never worked somewhere where I couldn't just ask anybody anything I wanted. This whole chain of command thing is...just weird. I understand authority, but I wasn't trying to flout anyone. I clearly thought this would be a non-issue or i wouldn't have risked directing a question at my boss. God forbid. AUGH.


Anyway, so I've been awake since 11a sunday morning, and I won't get to bed until 4p today monday BECAUSE......Today is my first day of school!!! :D well, second day, I had my first class on saturday, but today is the first day there are actually a ton of people on campus! unfortunately I look like a banshee, since I haven't slept, and I'm cranky despite how much I'm looking forward to getting into the swing of school. The high here is that my girl Tina will be with me and my lil bro too, it's all good. And the way I see it, I'll be too tired and busy studying to worry about anybody. (Although I definitely plan to meet ppl in my classes, that's part of the charm of school! :D) it's just not gonna be today, cuz today I'll probably eat the soul of anyone that tries to talk to me. ahh well. Here goes. Let's cross our fingers for cute smart guys and at least a couple cool chicks. I'll get back at ya in a few hours! lol.

Month #4

Currently, laying in bed, reading my own blog. (Cuz, well, I'm damn funny! Haaa.....jk :p) I wanted to see where I've been, and remember anything I've forgotten. I've been 26 for 5 days now, a week I'll never forget. I changed, it was just too much grief and anger. The happiness in my heart has been filled with cement. I think I may have frightened my co-workers and the residents, they've never seen me be still and silent. Perhaps it's better. I still feel vaguely unwanted by morning staff, like I'm begrudgingly being allowed to remain, and that doesn't help. Perhaps if I just shut off, shut down emotions, stop talking to anyone, then perhaps I'd be acceptable. 30mins from now I'll be headed there again. Tonight we implement some new rules my boss wants to try out, so fingers crossed.
   There's a woman at my work, she's my supervisor. I have a feeling that everywhere she goes, no matter what she's doing, she's thinking about the shelter. I've been there 4 months now,  and since reading my blog, I realize I'm becoming the same way. Even now,  i already want to be There,  not Here. After work, I want to linger and see if there's anything last minute that needs doing, and briefly interact with the next shift. My boss says we lack cohesion - I think this is because we don't take the time to get to know each other. We have no team building activities, nor time to do them. We don't trust each other, and there's a lack of syncopy between those that have been there for Years and we that are yet fledglings.
On another note, I've been thinking I should take a brief vacation. Go to Long Beach, back home to California with my cousin. Eating crab at ports-o-call, and taking a brief cruise off the pier.....before school starts and hell really breaks loose. I'm looking forward to the misery of school. :) I work well under stress, and at this rate I'll probably get straight A's.  :p

#Fragile

for the past few days, my family has been in and out of the hospital. My parents more than anyone, because a deacon at our church fell ill. 

I've never seen someone deteriorate that fast.

Today I turned 26, and I feel I should appreciate this opportunity more than I currently do. That man was in his early 40's, strong, humble, friendly. And now there's this hole, an emptiness that will walk beside his wife and children for a long time. I'm angry about his passing, because I feel like there wasn't even a chance. There wasn't time, and he fought hard to stay alive. 

Blood transfusions had failed, chemo wrecked him, his organs shut down, his immune system collapsed, and this all happened in 3-4 days. A landslide into the grave that no one foresaw. He had so little blood left in his body by the 3rd day, the nurses couldn't believe he was still living. He had bled out massively, but his heart kept on beating. The doctor told everyone they needed to say good bye, and when his wife finally told him that she'd be okay, and thanked him for being an amazing husband and father, he relaxed and slowly his heart beat to a stop. It's heartbreaking, and I fail to accept it.

And here I am, turning 26 on the day of his death. I feel weary, a heaviness, and yet a determination. To help his family, to make sure they make it, in honor of all the years of friendship this man gave my family. That's all I can do now, that's all we can do. The funeral will be in a few days, and I can't help feeling like the carpet was yanked out from under us all. He was sick, we knew that much, but he was in the hospital friday, watching sports with us all around him, joking and eating hospital jello....and gone by Wednesday morning.  Trini, you were a valient man, thank you for teaching us patience, love, mercy, and kindness. We won't abandon your family, they're our family too. Rest in Peace.

Little known

Little known pieces, moments, memories in my head
Crumpled notes, sentences I've never said.
Music, laughter, sketching in gray,
My life spilled out on canvas - this was running away.
veins exposed, vulnerable and broken,
Using one another to heal, and lost by that same token.

The Magic number of a Brief Soiree

The magic number is 5. FIVE. Today I had the great pleasure of seeing my boss in his office again, and we touched on an interesting subject. Since I'd heard about it beforehand, I wasn't surprised it was on his mind. Apparently, I've been a total floozy (sp?) at work, having multiple affairs, including with coworkers! I laughed. He laughed.  But the concern was real. I don't think my boss really thinks I'm taking advantage of his clients, but he Has to address me over it. It's simultaneously amusing and annoying. It's like playing telephone, one thing turns into another as more ppl hear a rumor and tell it more sensationally. More frustrating is that I genuinely Love working there, I put in the work, and I do it with compassion and kindness, but I'm seriously contemplating finding other work. I don't want to leave A New Leaf, this is my Dream company, I've been wanting to work with them since I was 18!! So maybe I can just beg for a transfer? I'm so happy where I am though, it makes me literally sad to think of leaving, but there's just too much tension over nothing.
   Other than this meeting, the past few days have been so Great at work! This morning I helped a guy learn to sew up his pants, I felt like a mom :p I was so proud when he got it right. ^-^  I helped a kid calm down from a bout of anxiety a few days ago. That kid is like a son or a little brother to me. I know attachment is bad, so I'm trying not to be, but I definitely want him to do well in life. Maybe I should work with youth.... since I have some insanely maternal instincts for someone that doesn't want kids, lol. The problem is that my life only works if my job is overnight. *sigh*  life changes ahead?

Holy crow, drama!!

The latest development at work was a shot in dark soaring in out of left field at the speed of No Freaking Way. O_O

so I was recently informed that I was part of a love triangle at work. I noticed that a coworker was being short with me suddenly, but there was no reason to be since we don't ever work together or even at the same times. I brushed it off since it didn't affect me in any way. Turns out, this person is under the impression that I'm "husband hunting" at the homeless shelter. (Insert cereal spitting meme face here.) On top of that, this person decided to tell my boss that I'm "shopping" at the center. I. Can't. Even. Believe...

However! Don't hate this person, she is/was being misled by a guy that decided to tell her I was trying to get in his pants. He was probably trying to make her jealous, or was saying this in hopes that she would take interest in him, or he's just a dumbass, take your pick. Either way, I was in shock. -_-

  The guy and I got into it for a bit when he let it slip that he'd done it, but in the end, I forgave him and let it go. No harm, no foul. My boss questioned him and he told him it wasn't true, which is great otherwise I would've had to like, devour his soul or whatever....lol. I'm just stunned that I could be part of a drama and be That totally unaware! I'm just here folding towels like doot-du-doo....and simultaneously causing drama with my sheer existence. O_o I mean I know I'm utterly sexy but still! <-(heavy sarcasm.) My co-worker ended up resigning, which sucks cuz now we're more short staffed.  So that's the latest development.
   In other news, I work 6.5 days this week! Whoo!! I wish they'd just give me a raise and put me on salary. I'd be there all the time cleaning and cooking and keeping ppl in check, lol. :p so here's to another night ahead, cheers!

Decisions (Sex Offenders, Work Power, etc.)

My 26th birthday quickly approaches, and as I've come of adult age, I've begun to look at the winding curve of my life. I haven't a clue where my life is leading, I haven't an idea of where to sail. I know only certain things have become true as I've sailed aimlessly, albeit reluctantly, onward.

I have decided to own property, and to exclusively rent this property (away from schools, parks, pools, churches, etc...) to those that have a sex offender felony in their past. I know that sounds controversial, and there are all sorts of things going through your head right now. Mostly the question WHY. The answer is that I work with them now, and I have stopped being part of typical society as a result. I still react to the crimes in the same way as society, shock, hatred, disgust...but as a Christian, when they have served their time, when they have repented, when they have changed...it is our duty to help them assimilate into society once again. The questions will always linger, "How do you know they've changed? What if you're wrong? What if they commit again?" If they do, they go back to prison. Period. If we don't provide them housing, as it is nearly impossible for them to get housing, then they will be roaming the streets. Are you aware that if a sex offender can't find housing, they are assigned a street corner as an address? That means they could be anywhere. Outside. Is that better? no. Obviously, the facility would need to be monitored, but I'd like to be able to provide this help to them in in a near future. Maybe the next few years. I could probably start a housing organization...and I would employ some of these individuals as well, at least for intake or something of the sort. I don't have anything definite, obviously, but I want to help fill this need somehow.

That's all I have for now, actually. Originally, I had wanted to give a general catch up of my life, but nothing new is going on. I have no plans for celebrating my 26th birthday, I haven't exercised in 2 weeks, I'm talking to people a lot less for no real reason, I've stopped painting/sketching altogether, and work has been stressful.

Actually, Yes! Let's talk about work. My work bosses are traumatized by prior employee females that ended up in relationships with the males at the shelter. I guess the rules before were something along the lines of "your business is your business but keep it outside the shelter." NOW the rules are "NO. Not here, not there, not Anywhere." because these chicks couldn't keep it off the work property. As you know, those of you whom I know in person, I am a highly social, emotional, mid-tempered individual. I like to work, I work excessively, and I like to have fun while I do so. I can't work and not socialize. It just doesn't work for me. I will get anything you need done, but don't put me in a box by myself, I will not last long. Thanks to these prior rule-breakers, I'm now monitored. I'm not sure that it's on purpose, but I can sense that it's happening. I can't eat in the common room anymore, I can't have a resident assist me in the kitchen anymore, actually I can't even take longer than an hour for set up otherwise it looks suspicious. I talk to someone and they watch me, like I have some hidden agenda they're hunting. I'm sure it'll pass with time, but I can't help to wonder whether or not they really have control over what I do in my private time. If I run into an ex resident out there, and we have lunch, am I fired? What if one of them starts working at the places I hang out - do I have to stop going there? Heck, what if one of them starts going to my church? Or they end up at the MCC when I'm there? Or they go to the thrift shops I go to? Logistically speaking, there are at least 90 guys there at any given time, all of them working in the mesa area, most of them near the facility, and most of them move out to places in mesa. Eventually, it's bound to happen. Does that make me Bound to get fired? I mean, how much power are we talking about them having here? I'm not fighting for a right to date these guys, just for the right not to be fired over what I do when I'm not on the clock with them. Because my life is none of their business, especially when it doesn't affect them. It's been a few months so far though, and I still truly love my job, despite the stress and constant flux in rules and expectations. Apart from their heavy suspicious, I hope they like me too! Most of all though, I hope I am in some way making a positive impact on the lives of the residents with whom I interact on a daily basis. That's all that really matters to me. I want to know their names, their stories, their hopes. I want to touch their lives, hold them to an expectation and hope they rise to it. They're my children (to me) and I want them to successfully get off the ground. I don't know how much longer I'll be there, but I don't want to leave and think I didn't do my best for these guys. Change is fine, rules are fine, but let's stick to something logical people.

Life Achievement Unlocked! :D

3 days of work/life induced sleep-deprivation later....I find myself driving my nana's truck down main st, heading home to sleep after having assisted in a church conference. Suddenly,  through the misty haze of my mind....a Whim whispered "Buy a Car!" I resisted passively, saying I'm pretty sure I can't afford it....

Next thing I know..... I've signed a whole bunch of papers at the first dealership I happened to come across and it's too late to back out! Not that I cared, I was just signing stuff. Whoo! Car! (my wallet cried silently in the background.)

Several phone calls, a few financial withdrawals, and a payment schedule later....the buyer's remorse is chewing up my soul. O_O (GAAAHHH!) I drove home in the truck, feeling like I'd committed a heinous crime against my finances, and the panic attack set in like a flash flood of horror. But then again..... this was My car! My own!  FINALLY. I brought my Chevy Cobalt home a couple days later and it was like unlocking an achievement in a game, I leveled up to car-owner! So here's the official announcement, 

WHOOOO! I BOUGHT A CAR!!!! :D

Weight loss - it's a public affair.

It's the coolest and yet most awkward thing to be told "oh my Gosh, you're losing so much weight!" I hadn't really thought about it until recently. In the past couple weeks, every time I go to church I get the look-over by several unexpected people. Generally that's followed up by "wow, you're losing weight!" Or "every time I see you, you look smaller! Keep it up!" This last week someone told me "just seeing you gets me so excited! I'm rooting for you!" And I'm here drinking a guilty Mountain Dew like ummm.....yea, wait this isn't ice water!! *tosses Mountain Dew* lol. I've never been good at dieting because I hate the amount of responsibility required to count caloric intake vs calories expended, plus all the food skinny ppl can't eat!!! On this diet I will still occasionally eat something unhealthy but I've developed good habits, such as 1. Stop eating when full and 2. Workout in a hardcore-sweat-drenched hell-yea-I-can-do-this I-can't-feel-my-anything kind of way at least three times a week for an hour or two. The result? I've lost thirty pounds. THIRTY. The kind of relief you get from seeing a number on that scale that you didn't know was possible anymore is the HUGEST moment. My success is entirely based on the mentality that this week I just need to lose 5lbs and this is accomplished through Zumba and kickboxing. (Queue Clair Huxtable in a leotard passed out on the floor while billy blanks gives you a motivational speech during 'double time' hahaha....)

honestly, I don't see it anywhere but the scale. And my clothes which magically are huge. In the mirror I still see just me, but then I see me in my clothes that's literally falling off and I realize......I'm gonna be a sexy beast!!!! Lol. So I will keep it up, and here's to another life waiting just around the weight-loss river bend. Cheers!

Claire Huxtable 

http://youtu.be/3Il23owlbtk

Billy Blanks: 

http://youtu.be/-x640lbMucc

A hundred men, and Me

In the deep recesses of the dank and consumed world of wendy, there was not but darkness and solitude. What little light travelled into this atmosphere was extinguished and could not stir the inky night. Suddenly, in the thick of the silence, a faint sound rumbled forth! and Again! A Thump! A Beat? Steadily it coursed, louder and louder until the distant echoes of life surged through the land! The long winter at last was lain to rest, and the sun burst forth in a fit of glory!!!!!! Flowers blossomed! Shoes were purchased! The Maniacal laughter of the much-relieved flooded the earth with song!!!


hahaha...or, I could just say YES! FIRST PAYCHECK!!!! It was like having a veil of misery lifted, to finally be able to splurge! or, ahem, pay bills...:p (SPLURGE.)

As soon as I got off work at 8am that day, (normally I'm exhausted) I picked up my nana and hit the stores. The IMMENSE irony is that we hit 3 stores and I didn't like a single dang thing!!! what the heck?? There was much sadness. Eventually, I bought a couple pairs of acceptable shoes, and a few articles of clothing. More importantly, I bought a mustache shaped mood ring, just for kicks and giggles. I'll turn it into a phone charm shortly. (in case you did not know, I LOVE all things mood. If they invented a pen that changes colors based on your temperature or whatever, I would TOTALLY buy it.) I also bought a really pretty leaf shaped dish that's brown on the outer edges and fades into a glorious green inside. This is just to commemorate the start of working with this organization. <3

It's been interesting dealing with so many ppl, every night, learning their names and ways and personalities. I knew I wouldn't be taken seriously at first, this young girl with no experience trying to handle a shelter, but I'm happy to report that I fit in really well here! I make breakfast for these guys, help with chores, play chess with them on my break, eat with them in their dining room during my lunch, and I've really made an effort to learn their names. (This in itself is a massive effort on my part, as I can't remember what I did an hour ago.) Plus, they keep changing, ppl leave all the time and we get new ppl and the cycle starts over. Make them feel welcome, make them feel accepted, get to know them, set boundaries, build rapport and avoid being seen as a potential Anything other than the office chick that feeds you and gives you chores. Overall, I've gotten over any qualms I initially had when starting, and I feel at home there too. I think it helps that I have a sense of humor and years of maintenance experience, haha...nothing grosses me out anymore and my humorous/abrasive personality keeps me level with them!

The job itself isn't all that easy, but that's mostly in regards to dealing with the men directly. There's almost a hundred of them, and they all have different backgrounds, views, attitudes...weaknesses, strengths, personal failures and successes. People on meds, people sleep deprived, the occasional guy that fell off the wagon....It gets dicey sometimes, but we all care about them and they know it. This fortunately helps us to settle issues. (No one cares what you know until they know that you care, right?)

When I got there, they were subsisting on chocolate muffins, instant oatmeal, cereal, and boiled eggs for breakfast. (the night crew consists of males as well, and they're not chef-like.) So I stepped up and started cooking. something different each day if possible. Scrambled eggs and cheese, beef chorizo, pork chorizo, french toast... Not every day, but often enough. Today I honestly have no idea what to make, I'm kind of tired of cracking eggs and I think I've run through enough of their egg supply for now. Unfortunately, all my breakfast ideas are egg based and I'm working with donated food soooo....options aren't plentiful. I need to learn how to make the sauce for biscuits and gravy. hm...but I'd better have someone teach me. The last time I tried to make something I didn't know how to make, (banana pudding) it was a complete flop. -__-

Anyway, such is my life right now. I'm quite happy with this change of pace :) it's funny, I started to study PSY when I was younger and changed my mind because I didn't think I had the skill to handle this type of work. Now I find that it's exactly my type of work. Life's funny that way sometimes. Things fall into place if you let them.

That awkward moment....#drugs

Ok,  seriously,  I need to start sleeping at night because this whole 8a training just isn't going to fly anymore. The main point here is why am I here when I'm supposed to be in fabulous new hire training? Because it wouldn't be my life if something didn't go unexpectedly and humorously wrong.

Yesterday was Awesome. Lots of paperwork and training, and learning about all the different programs run by this company. I was feeling work pride already, lol. :) they had us do our testing there with a nurse, which was cool for me because she explained how everything works. So I took my tb test and thankfully I'd already had my hep b series through ASU so I didn't have to take the shots. (ANY reduction in needles coming near me is a massive positive in my life, lol.) Everything was going Great! .........except...............

       ...guess who failed the drug test?...

o.O  <- your face right?

Yea. Me.

I tested positive for Opioids and Amphetamines.  (Apparently that boils down to Heroin and Meth?)

O___O     <- aaand your face now.

That's right ladies and gents, I'm a crack head. Or, wait, is that street for meth? No, that's for cocaine isn't it? So, Mary Jane, right?  Sorry, I'm new to this, I've only been labeled since yesterday lol.

Actually, the source of my druggie-ness  isn't from some shady handshake or briefcase drop-off in a dark corner. It's actually from Phentermine. A weight loss pill I've been taking prescribed by a real licenced physician on a weekly basis.  (which I highly recommend by the way, just not when drug testing for a job, lol.)

So they sent me to go get another drug test at a hospital. Naturally, I went to the Sonora Quest there and it closed at 4:30. I arrived at 4:38. -_-

Today, I managed by some sheer inner strength to get out of bed at 6:45a and head out to the lab again where I was promptly informed that I needed to have brought a formal request from my employer to get the test taken. (Ok, seriously, I am so not awake enough for this, and I really need to go pee, but I have to save it, auuughh!) 

Long story short, I had gone to the wrong testing center, but I still needed a form. So about 45 bladder-bursting minutes later, the correct testing center informed me that the lab will send the results to my employer within 24-48hrs. This means I can't return to training until after the lab concludes I'm on drugs and I formally present them with the phentermine. 

So now I'm back in bed, that place of comfort and love.... (*see blog post Vortex of Doom) good night ppl!

countdown to life, in 5, 4, 3...

In about 5 hours, I will once again rejoin the working class and be a useful member of society.  So why am I not asleep? Partly because I'm recently addicted to Hay Day (I figured out how to push those dang frogs off my property, hehehe!!! Cunning!!!  Skill!!!) but mostly because I'm nervous.

   I've taken work in social services as an overnight associate. (So staying up late is probably good preemptive training..)

    I went unexpectedly with my mother to a conference training regarding our food bank a couple weeks back and happened to sit at a table with my Now boss. He had been speaking about his workplace, and when I expressed interest he advised me of a position available at his location. I applied, interviewed with 3 authorities there, and was fortunately hired following the tour. God-sent, right?  That's how I see it. Nonetheless, nearly everyone I've told has been concerned for my safety - more so than I had expected. It hadn't seemed like a big deal to me initially, I was just excited to be working again. Fortunately, a friend of mine from Macy's told me his wife had previously worked in the same position, so I contacted her and she was kind enough to give me a crash course on what sorts of things to expect and duties I'll have in this position.

Worries aside, I'm currently laying on the furthermost upper left corner of my bed,  surrounded by the upheaved dredges of my life. I mean, bedroom.

For those that frequent my home,  you're aware that my room is nearly always a mess, but this is a literal and thorough gutting out of my possessions. Why? It's the result of a desperate search for documents that have hitherto been unheeded and carelessly packaged.  (They asked for everything short of a blood sample, although I'm sure that'll be next on the list.)

Seriously, I'm sharing a bed with boxes of books that I'm too lazy to attempt to balance elsewhere.....while odds and ends from thrift stores, vhs tapes, valueless beanie babies, paint tubes, comics, broken trophies my mom won't let me toss, more books, clothes and shoes litter every other available space. Oh, and one of my closet doors is leaning against my dresser.  (I had to go through my closet shelf as well.) The smell of dust is prevalent.

I was relatively successful, but failed to locate my AA. I knooowww it's in here somewhere, but I may have to just order a duplicate.

Well, I'm tempted to just stay up, but since caffeine and I have a rather tenuous friendship, I suppose some sleep is better than none. Here's to working, learning, and having money to buy cat food lol. Cheers!

The one with the Hashtags.

It's been two months since I've been of any use to society as a whole...

#bumming #useless #sleep

I stare up at my ceiling in the morning, well no, I stare at my side wall since I'm a side sleeper, and ask, What do I do today? The walls aren't helping though, they stare at me with a blank face. #Jerks

It's funny, being jobless makes you really ponder about the point of living. Or is that just me?
#justme

Without a job, what do you do? I, personally, mope. Working gives me a sense of belonging, a sense of meaning, of being needed, and of accomplishment.

#canyoutellimsingle? #notamom #notinschool

I've always loved my jobs. All of them. I've never worked somewhere I hated. I wouldn't even apply somewhere just to apply unless I really thought I'd enjoy the work and could see myself staying. I'm a firm believer that you should love what you do. My dad taught me that if you do what you love, it'll be easier to succeed. I'm sure he meant long-term, but I applied it short term and it works for me. So this whole "Experiencing retirement Minus the travel/Housewife training" period, is NOT THE BUSINESS!

#notaboutthatHousewifeLife

The only new thing going on right now, is that I'm back on a health kick. (THE COKE MARKET IS CRASHING! PANIC EVERYWHERE! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LOST!! STOCKS DECLINE DRASTICALLY! *coke owner tries to jump off building in publicity stunt* lol. #thestruggleisreal.


I've started drinking tea (real tea, no sugar), walking on the previously neglected treadmill, keeping real track of my calorie intake, and drinking more water. It tortures me inside to drink water, as I've mentioned, so the tea thing has helped a lot. Plus, I'm going to a clinic and have partnered up with one of my best friends, soooo they're all keeping me accountable.

that's all I have for now, no crazy workouts or crazy dieting. Doable, manageable, and not totally miserable yet lol.

The cycle of night

We stay up cringing in our hearts over the sorrows and joys we're afraid to feel in the light. We go to bed trying to bury our fears in the night. The voiceless whisper and scream in our ears, finding their sound in the silence. 

Despite shattered hearts, why is it so easy feel? why isn't it simple for those same shards to heal?

Lost in a void of our own creation,
Trying to shove it in a box
and live

Everyday, Learning to be,
Not quite existing for others, learning to say "I love me"

Why do we struggle, insecurities flying,
Happiness, half strangled by our own reluctance, is dying.

Leap off the box of doubts, shine light on the shadows; we can be more than our nightmares predict.

So we sleep, to awaken back into the cycle again.

The Vortex of Doom: My Life

It's behind me now, as we speak.
I can feel it's heavy stare. Like when you look across a room and accidentally link eyes with someone and it feels like they've stared into your soul. Except it won't look away, it's staring into my soul and saying "I accept you, I'll shield you, come here, to me." (NO. O_O leave me alone! O_o *runs away*)

I'm not going to lie, it's been my home for the past three weeks. I took shelter under it's promise of freedom, that I could forget everything and live a life apart. When I wake early for no reason at all, it's there to say "shhh...you'll be fine. Go back to sleep."

Only a few days ago did I begin to realize how dependent I'd become. Though I'm loathe to use it again, it's kind of necessary. I'm referring of course, to my bed.

For those who don't know, 2014 came in and ripped my life into confetti. I'm jobless, broke, vehicle-less, and single. (Well, that last one's been around for a while, so it's not really a complaint so much as an extra cup of YOU SUCK! in the boiling pot of it that I've recently acquired.) I was too careless with my attendance points at work, mostly because my vehicle frequently needed either gas or power steering fluid. So I'd be late to work at least twice a month. If that had been the direct cause of my dismissal, I wouldn't hate myself so much. No. Instead, it's a fluke. A sheer fluke. I signed up for OT early in the week, but it wasn't on my schedule the day prior to it, so I assumed I thought about signing up but didn't. (I have TERRIBLE memory.) So I decided to just keep the day off, didn't show up obviously, and BAAMMM!!! I lost my last attendance point. *FACEPALM* Kudos to my supervisor and managers that tried to argue my case and save me for a week and a half, but the point system reigns supreme.

Soooo....I'm not even kidding, I've buried myself in sleep and video games. Why? Because....I was accomplishing something, even though I wasn't accomplishing anything. I've applied to several places, but they either turned out to be work from home, shady outbound call centers selling weight loss products (I couldn't do it, the Irony would be too great), or they couldn't proceed with my application because of my having been dismissed from Macy's. Oh, and it appears my car decided to fall apart with me. As of yesterday, it's cleaner than it's ever been while under my use, and it'll be towed tomorrow to the scrap heap. (It was pretty bad in there, lol.) So I can't go anywhere - interview, hangout, general ESCAPE FROM HOME...all out the window. It's been hell.

On the upside, I've gotten to spend more time at church and with my family. I'm actually starting to get to know people's names at church, and knowing when events are. (I practically live for the events) I never noticed how entirely disconnected I was from everything and everyone there. I went with my sister to Cali for a day, started showing up for music practice, started cooking dinner at home and experimenting with baking. (Not that anyone Eats the corn bread. *glare*)

Maybe it's a God-sent. A Wake Up slap. (which is ironic because, seriously, I was sleeping all day.) I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do from here. Keep applying I guess. Start from scratch somehow, and earn a good job over time. Grow up maybe? I've been putting that off for a while. The important thing is that I finally woke up from the vortex of doom in which I'd wrapped myself, and I can start trying to get this mess under control.

*glares at bed* I'm only going back to it because I'm too chicken to sleep out in the living room. >_< (plus, seriously, it's quite cushy.)


Good night all!

Eclipse

Help me say good bye to me, I lived and died in me but who am I?
Barely born in the late of my life.
Already dying
Not a circle, beginning to end, but inside out
a shining eclipse,
Already been to my height, getting ready to crash and burn away
Where was the start of my hope?
Running away from where I’ve come
Over an edge into a pit that doesn’t end
and I couldn't read the signs with eyes closed tight
Just enough time left to take a deep breath before the plunge
And I’m born this way, dying, with sunlight on the shades
And darkness on my eyes

Make Beautiful Things

from life, unaware, unknown,
the changes that come
the beauty in the pain,
shadows in the rain
things unseen

gardens that grow,
blind to conditions
feeling for light in the night
a secret premonition
things unknown

stars in your eyes
the glimmer of pain
hope in a void
a touch of insane
things desired

A whisper that chills
A secret that kills
Touch of true love
Things feared

Messy emotions
Unscripted scenes
We make beautiful things
Trying to find what it all means

The 5th day of eternity.

What are Mondays and Fridays?
What good are fresh and sunny days?
A puddle of time stares back at me,
As I glare at it's empty ways. 

Time screams out "fill me!"
It dares to shout "kill me!"
But I'm stuck with its passage,
Slow, often still.

Where is the hustle?
The rushing demand?
The need to wake up,
Where's the purpose to stand?

Time simply goes on.

Panicking with a cop: the final act of 2013

Ending this year,  I signed two new songs, finally bought a straightener (after 5 years of claiming I'd buy one), and got pulled over for blowing past a stop sign.

It's been a Long time since I got pulled over (I used to get pulled over All the time for no reason except my truck was suspicious, so I've no fear of cops. I think I laughed and cried the first time though..)

In my defense,  my sister was on the phone,  terrified that someone was in the house. She calls me whispering into the phone,  I had just arrived at church (ON TIME, mind you.), and I immediately knew something was wrong. She tells me there was a man that yelled downstairs and she locked herself in her room. I told her, hang up and call the police immediately! She refused because she was afraid it would be a false alarm, if there was a window open somewhere. I end up getting my brother and taking off immediately.
Not one street down, I see my boys in blue lighting up my rear view mirror. Ugh! Bad timing guys. I have one brief wild urge to race him home, but my sis confirmed to my bro that she did not hear anything else, so I pulled over. The cop comes to my window, and wants me to lower my window (which I can't do...) So I offer to open my door instead. I hand him my DL and he tells me he pulled me over because I blew past the George st stop sign.

I explain about my sister,  apologize,  and he asks me 1. How old are you?  2. Is there alcohol in car, have you had any alcohol tonight? 

I was in a small panic about my sister,  so I'm not thinking straight.  I tell him 25, then Blow air at him and say "no, do the breathalizer thing,  it's cool, no drinking!" He checks my license,  registration,  and insurance right there by me, then gives me a warning and let's me go.

Of course I get home and it's a Total false alarm,  but I'd rather that be the case any day.